Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this rant-filled episode, we follow Bond for a race to Outer Space (with hasty pit stops in California and Venice and Brazil). Along the way, we will dissect and then reassemble the Frankenstein of a film that is Moonraker.
* A space shuttle is hijacked, Bond is thrown out of a plane without a parachute, and the menacing henchman Jaws returns! And all that happens pre-titles! Surely a high-adrenaline adventure awaits!
* Bassey is back, but it appears she has not been fully thawed-out. Her low-energy number can’t be saved by some sub-standard silhouettes, and all the heat goes out of that great opening sequence.
* Bond must recover the hijacked shuttle, so he is given a wristy pistol and is sent to California. There he meets a lady doctor, if you can believe it!
* Years fall away from Bond’s face as Chang has him going around in circles. To recover, James breaks into Corrin’s room with plans to penetrate. Drax aims to assassinate Bond, before killing Corrin.
* James visits a glass factory that is (rather inconveniently, it would seem) located in Venice. This leads to one of the worst attempts on Bond’s life so far, and somehow this scene goes downhill from there! After surprising the Piazza with a gondola on wheels, James turns Chang into a cartoon character.
* All of this commotion brings M to Venice. He gives Bond some MORE time off (do some work for once, James!), and then sends him to Rio. Tough life, being an agent...
* Between Carnivale and the cable-cars, an increasingly-feckless Jaws is unable to kill Bond. Just when we are worried that this great henchman is losing his edge, Jaws goes and falls in love. Speechless, senseless love!
* Bond turns cowboy for a few baffling minutes that include a science lesson in a monastery. Then, like all good cowboys, James is off on a speedboat chase - this time through the jungles of Brazil.
* Deep in the jungle, Bond forgets the mission and starts following a beautiful girl. This helps him to accidentally stumble upon Drax’s lair. Everyone gathers to watch Bond beat a snake, before Drax blasts off.
* Bond and Holly jump in one of the other rockets and give chase - demonstrating classic zero-gravity acting along the way. A brief chat about eugenics is enough to turn Jaws into a good guy, and soon enough we have a Space Laser Battle!
* “Space Laser Battle” is not as exciting as it sounds, as it turns out. Drax is mercifully sent out into space before explosions start to destroy the space station. Bond and Holly try to escape, but need Jaws to help release their space shuttle. Jaws, ever the gentleman, obliges.
* Bond and Holly try not to look too bored as they hurtle through space to prevent the apocalypse. Once Bond gets his shot away, he realises he is on camera. James gives Her Majesty a wink, and gets back to work.
Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #11: The Bond villain with “the best life” is Thunderball’s Largo. Despite floating the theory that Drax has the best lifestyle of any of the Bond villains we have seen so far, it is decided that the SPECTRE etc. team would really like to be Largo. The cool boat, the shark pool, living in the Bahamas, Domino…
Worst Impersonation Trophy: Benso starts to quote Jaws - a tall order considering he only has one line from which to learn the imitation. Realising this halfway through the first syllable, Benso bails and instead throws out his only successful impersonation so far: George Lazenby. For playing a mostly-mute henchman as Paul Hogan, Benso has no choice but to accept this episode’s WIT.
And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to re-shoot the “Wuthering Heights” music video - this time with Kate Bush running through the woods as rabid dogs chase her down!
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