Welcome to SPECTRE etc. This is the James Bond podcast where we discuss the ins and the outs of each film. In this Egyptian episode, we join Bond on his XXX-rated mission to retrieve microfilm from the Jaws of defeat. Ignore that floating Lotus - let us wet-bike you to Atlantis and beyond as we strive to find an original premise in The Spy Who Loved Me.
* The pre-titles sequence introduces Agent XXX before we’re off to the Austrian Alps to watch Bond pull out. Some skiing stunts show us the strength that can be found in silence. We ignore Carly Simon’s sleepy song to focus once more on what those silhouettes are up to.
* Some subs are missing, so Bond chases up a lead in Egypt. Bond rides a camel before dismounting at a friend’s tent. Fear not though - more humps are in Bond’s future as some 70s sex-slavery convinces Bond to pitch his own tent for the night.
* Bond’s visit to Cairo involves some unconvincing fighting on a rooftop and the obligatory Pyramids trip. Here we get to see Jaws kill a man who - apparently - was already completely drained of blood.
* Microchip negotiations begin, but are interrupted when Kolba is killed. Bond and Anya join forces to follow Jaws - who kidnaps them and heads off into the desert.
* Bond and Agent Anya are forced to work together to retrieve the microchip and escape Jaws. On the boat back to Cairo, Anya has to honeypot herself out of harm’s way. She is sent right back into harm’s way when Russian M demands the agents officially work together.
* For some reason, Bond and Anya catch a train to Sardinia, leaving them open to an ambush by Jaws! Despite the astounding hand:face ratio in the ensuing fight, Bond manages a shocking victory.
* Bond and Anya pose as Marine Biologists to visit Stromberg. The seemingly pointless meeting gives us our first real look at Atlantis, and then our Marine Biologists are abruptly sent back to the mainland.
* A really exciting chase sequence builds from a motorcycle to a car to a helicopter, and climaxes with a submarine-Lotus. Elon Musk - if you are listening and would like to licence our “Float-us” idea, get in touch!
* Once Bond and Anya actually infiltrate Atlantis, the film becomes little more than a drawn-out imitation of You Only Live Twice. Come on, Lewis Gilbert - it’s no wonder the Revenge of the Nerds protagonists were able to usurp your name!
* With nameless nobodies dying all around, Bond finds a copy of “Nuclear Subs for Dummies” and uses the easy-to-follow instructions to reprogram the launch coordinates for both submarines.
* Bond tracks down Stromberg for an anticlimactic showdown, before running into Jaws for the real final battle. Bond is rewarded for all those childhood years playing Skilltester at the arcade.
* We finish the film with Bond throwing out a quintessential “Double 0-ntendre”, followed by curtains and the most mind-boggling musical miscue imaginable.
Official SPECTRE etc Theory (OffSeT) #10: You never forget your first Blofeld. Forget trying to grab a teenage audience with the Bourne-style films, the Bond franchise needs to grab new fans before they can walk. “My First Blofeld” is a toy that would get the kiddies into Bond at the youngest possible age. Cam rightly points out that kids love a plush toy - especially one with a face you can scar and re-scar over and over!
And of course, keep checking back for a link to our petition to expose and immortalize this film’s lazy rehashing of a previous Bond adventure by re-naming it “You Only Live Thrice”!
Worst Impersonation Trophy:
Col’s first attempt at Agent Anya sounds more like Mary Poppins than XXX - which has Cam accusing him of actually striving for this noble title! Little did Cam know that Col has holding his really awful Anya impersonation back for the film’s finale - where he bafflingly turns her into some sort of Russian robot.
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