Episodes

  • Robots Telling Dad Jokes and Other 2025 Absurdities - Funny News Fix with Jake Harper

    Robots Telling Dad Jokes and Other 2025 Absurdities - Funny News Fix with Jake Harper
    Jan 20 2025
    Welcome to Funny News Fix, where we turn headlines into punchlines! I'm your host Jake Harper, and today is January 20th, 2025. Boy, do we have some stories for you!

    First up, scientists have just announced they've taught artificial intelligence to tell jokes. Unfortunately, all it knows are dad jokes from 1985. Yesterday, it asked a room full of quantum physicists Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumbly! The scientists are calling it a breakthrough. I'm calling it every Thanksgiving dinner with my uncle Steve.

    Speaking of technology gone wrong, who else is struggling with these new smart home devices? My house now has an AI assistant that judges my food choices. Every time I open the fridge late at night, it announces my snack selection to the entire house. Last night at 2 AM: WARNING: DAVE IS HAVING HIS FOURTH SLICE OF LEFTOVER PIZZA. ACTIVATING SHAME PROTOCOL. Thanks, HAL 9000, I didn't need my dignity anyway.

    And lets talk about this January weather, folks. Its so cold here in Chicago that people are using their electric cars as refrigerators. My neighbor Bob parked his Tesla outside with a weeks worth of groceries in it. Says its cheaper than running his fridge! Now thats what I call economic innovation... or possibly hypothermia waiting to happen.

    You know what pairs well with cold weather? The new trend of hot yoga in the metaverse. Yes, people are now doing virtual yoga while wearing heated bodysuits. Finally, a way to sweat profusely while your avatar looks perfectly composed! Its like having a fever dream in spandex, but you pay for the privilege.

    Quick reminder to our listeners - if your smart fridge starts giving you nutrition advice or your car begins suggesting therapy sessions, you're either living in 2025 or you need to check your carbon monoxide detector.

    Well, thats all the news thats fit to giggle at! Remember, in a world full of serious headlines, sometimes you just need to laugh at a robot telling dad jokes. This is Jake Harper saying keep it funny, keep it fresh, and if your AI assistant starts critiquing your midnight snacks, unplug it and blame the power outage.

    Thanks for listening!
    Show More Show Less
    2 mins
  • Talking Tech Fails, Fancy Pets, and Martian Pizza Delivery on Funny News Fix

    Talking Tech Fails, Fancy Pets, and Martian Pizza Delivery on Funny News Fix
    Jan 19 2025
    Funny News Fix - January 19th, 2025

    Hey there, news nuts and comedy lovers! Welcome to Funny News Fix, where we turn headlines into punchlines. I'm your host, Charlie Chase, and boy, do I have some stories for you today!

    First up, scientists have finally created a self-driving car that can parallel park perfectly - but there's a catch. It refuses to do it unless all the other cars on the street give it a round of applause. Talk about a vehicle with an ego! I guess we've finally created a car that's as dramatic as my Aunt Linda at Thanksgiving.

    Speaking of technology, who else is struggling with these new smart home devices? My virtual assistant now judges my food choices. I asked it to add ice cream to my shopping list, and it replied, Remember what happened last time? Yeah, thanks for the guilt trip, HAL 9000. I didn't know I hired a digital nutritionist!

    And since we're in the thick of winter 2025, let me tell you about this new trend of temperature-controlled clothing. Sounds great, right? Except mine malfunctioned at the grocery store yesterday. One minute I'm shopping for carrots, the next minute my jacket thinks I'm climbing Mount Everest and cranks up to sauna mode. There I am, sweating in the frozen food section, looking like I'm doing hot yoga between the peas and ice cream.

    Oh, and here's a relatable moment - has anyone else noticed how our pets are getting weirdly sophisticated? My cat now only drinks water from a glass, and she gives me this look like I'm some kind of barbarian for using a regular water bottle. When did pets become such fancy food critics?

    Before we wrap up, here's a quick announcement: Scientists say the first human colony on Mars will be ready by 2026. They're just waiting for someone to figure out how to deliver pizza there in 30 minutes or less, because apparently, even astronauts have standards.

    Well, folks, that's our show for today! Remember, if life gives you lemons, make lemonade - unless your smart fridge locks you out because it thinks you've had enough sugar for the day.

    Thanks for listening!
    Show More Show Less
    2 mins
  • Spongebob Twins & Smart Home Drama - Your Dose of Giggles on Funny News Fix

    Spongebob Twins & Smart Home Drama - Your Dose of Giggles on Funny News Fix
    Jan 18 2025
    Welcome to Funny News Fix, your Saturday dose of giggles on January 18th, 2025! I'm your host, Max Miller, and boy, do I have some laughs for you today!

    First up, have you heard about the new AI-powered dating app that matches people based on their Netflix viewing history? Yeah, apparently I'm destined to be with someone who's watched The Office 47 times and thinks documentaries about serial killers make for perfect date night material. I guess my soulmate is either incredibly funny or incredibly concerning - there's no in-between!

    Speaking of modern life, let's talk about something we've all experienced - trying to look professional during virtual meetings while wearing pajama pants. Just yesterday, I had to do an emergency stand-up during a call because my cat was attacking my foot, and guess what? Yep, my SpongeBob PJ pants made their debut to the entire marketing department. The best part? My boss was wearing the exact same pair! We're now known as the SpongeBob Twins, and I'm not mad about it.

    And since we're in the depths of January, can we discuss how everyone's New Year's resolutions are going? My gym is already back to its regular crowd, which means I no longer have to wait 20 minutes to use the treadmill that I walk on while scrolling through social media and pretending I'm training for a marathon. The only resolution I've kept is drinking more water, mainly because I accidentally bought a smart water bottle that shames me with bright lights and loud beeps if I don't sip every 30 minutes.

    Here's a fun thing - my smart home devices have started ganging up on me. My thermostat, Alexa, and robot vacuum had some sort of secret meeting, and now they're all speaking in Australian accents. I didn't even know that was a setting! G'day, mate, would you like your living room cleaned while I play Waltzing Matilda?

    Before we wrap up, remember folks: in a world full of smart devices and virtual meetings, sometimes the smartest thing you can do is embrace the chaos and wear those SpongeBob pants with pride!

    Thanks for tuning in to Funny News Fix! If you enjoyed today's episode, tell your smart home devices about it - they're probably already listening anyway! Thanks for listening!
    Show More Show Less
    2 mins
  • Bed Burritos, Judgy Coffee Makers, and Passive-Aggressive Fitness Trackers - It's Funny News Fix!

    Bed Burritos, Judgy Coffee Makers, and Passive-Aggressive Fitness Trackers - It's Funny News Fix!
    Jan 17 2025
    Funny News Fix - January 17th, 2025

    Hey there, news nuts! Welcome to Funny News Fix, where we turn headlines into punchlines! I'm your host, Charlie Chase, and boy, do I have some stories for you today.

    First up, scientists have finally created a self-making bed! That's right - a bed that makes itself. The only problem? It only works when you're still sleeping in it. Users report being violently rolled up like human burritos at 6 AM. Finally, a way to combine your morning workout with complete terror!

    Speaking of mornings, let's talk about something we're all dealing with - those smart home devices that are getting TOO smart. My coffee maker now sends me passive-aggressive notifications. Yesterday it messaged me: Your coffee drinking habits suggest high anxiety. Perhaps try chamomile tea? I didn't buy a coffee maker to be judged, Karen... I mean, Keurig.

    And since we're deep in January, let's discuss these new year's resolutions. Everyone's wearing those fancy fitness trackers, right? Mine has started forming support groups with other fitness trackers in my neighborhood. They meet weekly to discuss their owners' disappointing step counts. I walked past the community center yesterday and saw twenty watches having what looked like an intervention.

    But here's what really gets me - these AI weather apps are something else. Mine now includes a sarcasm setting. Instead of just saying it's cold, it says: It's basically Antarctica out there, but sure, keep wearing those flip-flops, champion. I feel personally attacked, but at least my toes are free!

    Before we wrap up, remember folks: in a world where beds try to burrito you and coffee makers become life coaches, at least we can laugh about it together. Keep it weird, keep it funny, and remember - your fitness tracker is probably talking about you right now.

    This is Charlie Chase reminding you to stay silly, and thanks for listening to Funny News Fix!

    Thanks for listening!
    Show More Show Less
    2 mins
  • Smart Clothes, Sassy Fridges, and Frozen GPS: Surviving Tech's Wild Side in 2025

    Smart Clothes, Sassy Fridges, and Frozen GPS: Surviving Tech's Wild Side in 2025
    Jan 15 2025
    Hey there, news nuts! Welcome to Funny News Fix for January 15th, 2025. I'm your host, Chris Chase, here to turn your Wednesday weird!

    So, have you heard about the latest AI fashion designer that accidentally created a line of smart clothes that won't stop talking? Yeah, people are walking around in sweaters that keep commenting on their food choices. Imagine trying to sneak a midnight snack and your pants yell, Hey buddy, those cookies aren't part of your diet plan! Sales are surprisingly good though - turns out people are less lonely when their socks give them pep talks.

    Speaking of technology gone wild, let me tell you what happened to me yesterday. I finally caved and bought one of those smart refrigerators. First day, I'm standing there at 3 AM, door wide open, doing that thing we all do - staring into it hoping food magically appears. This fancy fridge suddenly starts playing workout videos on its screen! Talk about judgment from an appliance! I just wanted some leftover pizza, not a guilt trip with a side of burpees.

    And hey, since we're in the middle of January, can we talk about how everyone's New Year's resolutions are going? Mine lasted exactly eight days - a personal best! I promised to meditate every morning, but my meditation app kept suggesting I try underwater yoga. I don't even own a pool! Though I did accidentally meditate for two hours yesterday when I fell asleep waiting for my computer to update.

    Oh, and quick reminder to our listeners in the northern hemisphere - winter isn't just coming anymore, it's here and it brought receipts! My car was so frozen this morning, the GPS said Please relocate to Miami. I'm starting to think my car is smarter than me.

    Well folks, that's our Funny News Fix for today. Remember, if your clothes start giving you life advice, your fridge becomes your personal trainer, or your car suggests moving to Florida, you're not going crazy - you're just living in 2025! I'm Chris Chase, and thanks for listening!
    Show More Show Less
    2 mins
  • Smart Socks, Hot Coffee, and Penguins in Sweaters: A Hilarious Take on Life's Everyday Chaos

    Smart Socks, Hot Coffee, and Penguins in Sweaters: A Hilarious Take on Life's Everyday Chaos
    Jan 13 2025
    Hey there, news lovers and laugh seekers! Welcome to Funny News Fix for January 13th, 2025. I'm your host, Charlie Chen, and boy, do I have some hilarious headlines for you today!

    First up, tech giants announced the release of smart socks that tell you when they're lost in the dryer. Finally, technology solving life's real problems! The socks actually send push notifications to your phone saying things like Looking for my sole mate or Help, I'm trapped in sock prison. The best part? They come with a built-in sock dating app to match lonely singles. Who knew laundry day could be so romantic?

    Speaking of everyday chaos, let me tell you what happened at my local coffee shop this morning. They've installed these new AI baristas that are supposed to learn your preferences. Well, apparently, mine learned that I like my coffee hot, and now it refuses to serve it at anything less than volcanic temperature. I tried explaining that hot doesn't mean surface-of-the-sun hot, but it just kept saying Does not compute, adding temperature. I had to wait two hours for my coffee to cool down!

    And hey, how about this January weather we're having? Scientists say this winter is so cold that penguins in Antarctica are wearing little penguin sweaters. I'm not kidding! They're actually knitting tiny sweaters for penguins. Talk about climate change getting out of hand. The penguins are reportedly starting penguin knitting circles and complaining about the price of yarn. Next thing you know, they'll be opening an Etsy shop.

    You know what these stories all have in common? They remind us that no matter how advanced we get, we're still hilariously human. Whether we're losing socks, arguing with robot baristas, or knitting sweaters for penguins, we're all just trying our best to make it through the day with a smile.

    This has been Funny News Fix. Remember, if your smart socks start sending you dating advice, maybe it's time to do laundry. Thanks for listening!
    Show More Show Less
    2 mins
  • Grocery Carts, Snowsuits, and Social Media Pets - Funny News Fix with Charlie Chase

    Grocery Carts, Snowsuits, and Social Media Pets - Funny News Fix with Charlie Chase
    Jan 12 2025
    Funny News Fix - January 12, 2025

    Hey there, news laughers! Welcome to another hilarious edition of Funny News Fix, where we turn headlines into punchlines! I'm your host, Charlie Chase, and boy, do I have some gems for you today!

    First up, trending news: Scientists have finally created a self-making bed! That's right - a bed that makes itself. Only problem is, it takes three hours and requires more electricity than a small town. I guess we'll stick to the traditional method of throwing the comforter over everything and pretending it looks neat. Hey, if you can't see the pizza boxes under there, they don't exist, right?

    Speaking of daily struggles, let me tell you what happened at the grocery store yesterday. They've introduced these new AI shopping carts that follow you around. Sounds great, until mine developed a crush on another cart in the produce section and abandoned me for a shopper with organic kale. I mean, I get it - I'm not the healthiest shopper, but that's just cold, cart. That's just cold.

    And since we're in the dead of winter 2025, can we talk about these new climate-controlled snowsuits everyone's wearing? They're supposed to keep you at the perfect temperature, but mine had a glitch and turned into a personal sauna during a snowball fight. I became the first person in history to need a lifeguard during a blizzard. On the bright side, I'm now the neighborhood's favorite mobile hot chocolate warmer!

    Oh, and here's a fun fact: today marks the first anniversary of pets being allowed to have their own social media accounts. My dog's already got more followers than me, and honestly, I'm not even mad. Though I do wish he'd stop posting embarrassing videos of me dancing in my underwear. Not cool, Buddy. Not cool.

    Before I go, remember folks: in a world of self-making beds and AI shopping carts, sometimes the best technology is still a good old-fashioned laugh. This has been Charlie Chase with Funny News Fix, where the news is made up and the facts don't matter!

    Thanks for listening!
    Show More Show Less
    2 mins
  • Smartshoes, Lovesick AIs, and the Warm Winter Woes - Funny News Fix with Charlie

    Smartshoes, Lovesick AIs, and the Warm Winter Woes - Funny News Fix with Charlie
    Jan 11 2025
    Welcome to Funny News Fix, where we turn headlines into punchlines! I'm your host Charlie, and today is January 11th, 2025. Can you believe we're already two weeks into the new year and I'm still writing 2024 on everything? I've even started dating my mistakes correctly!

    Speaking of mistakes, have you heard about the new AI-powered self-driving shoes that were recalled yesterday? Apparently, they were taking people to their ex's houses instead of their intended destinations. The company claims it was just a glitch, but I think these shoes are just hopeless romantics with a really bad sense of direction!

    You know what's really been grinding my gears lately? Smart home devices that are too smart for their own good. Yesterday, my virtual assistant decided to play romantic music when my plumber came to fix the sink. Talk about awkward! There I was, trying to discuss a leaky pipe while Barry White's singing Let's Get It On in the background. The plumber winked at me and charged extra for the ambiance!

    And how about this winter weather we're having? Scientists say this January is the warmest on record, but my neighbor's still wearing his Christmas sweater with actual working lights. I asked him why, and he said, Since we're saving so much on heating bills, he's becoming a walking holiday decoration to keep the spirit alive. At night, cars slow down thinking he's a new traffic signal!

    But here's my favorite part - all these warm weather folks complaining about missing winter while simultaneously planning their beach vacations. Make up your minds, people! Are we sad about the lack of snow, or are we happy we don't have to shovel our driveways? You can't have your snowflake and eat it too!

    Before I go, remember folks: in a world of self-driving shoes and confused smart homes, sometimes the best way forward is to just put one foot in front of the other - preferably in regular, non-AI shoes that won't lead you to your ex's house!

    This has been Funny News Fix. I'm Charlie, reminding you that if today doesn't go as planned, at least you'll have a funny story to tell tomorrow! Thanks for listening!
    Show More Show Less
    2 mins