People pleasers have good intentions when they take on the burden of trying to make someone feel better. We truly just want to help and to offer our own wellbeing and happiness as a resource. After all, wouldn’t the world be a better place if we could keep people from getting depressed in the first place? But not only is this endless output exhausting for the one doing all the work, it also limits the other person from developing the skills to cultivate their own emotional health. Happiness takes effort and action, and if we believe it is our job to make the other person happy, and we take too much responsibility for their wellbeing, we may actually be leaving them in worse shape.

All I ever wanted was to make my ex-husband feel better. And at one point in the early days of our relationship, I was the only one who could. When he was down (which was often), I could cheer him up. When he was angry (also often), I could calm him down. When he thought life was pointless (again, often), I could inspire him and offer a glimmer of hope. Each time I was able to do this for him, I got a little dopamine hit, a little buzz of pleasure in my brain that told me I was valued, needed, and fulfilling my purpose.

What I didn’t recognize at the time was that my enjoyment of the buzz would become an addiction, and that both of us would get hooked into a cycle of enabling and depression that could not end until the helping stopped. He couldn’t heal until I stopped trying to heal for him.

Dr. Cindy navigates a difficult personal journey as her abusive ex prepares to move out of state and leave her alone with their daughter. She shares practical skills for meeting crisis and upheaval with self-compassion and how she is trying to parent as gracefully as possible through this toxic transition.

“He is not leaving quietly. This week, he has managed to hook me by yanking our daughter’s heart around, discussing his departure plans, rehashing old conflicts and blaming me for his failure to make ends meet here, and promising that he’ll never leave her all in the same breath. She came back from her last visit with him angry and claiming to be “depressed,” and as a result, I’ve spiraled into my own habitual patterns of over-eating, ruminative thinking, and sleeplessness. Because he is a time thief, he is dragging out the long goodbye, spreading the heartache over months, keeping me prisoner, rather than just ripping off the bandaid the way I wish he would. Please, just go away and leave us alone.

The pressure on me to make difficult decisions and keep myself calm, cool, and collected is a lot. So, I am doubling down on my mindfulness meditation practice this week, busting out field tested therapeutic and teaching tools from the vault, and doing everything I can to stay compassionate and kind, and to do the right thing, even when it’s also the hardest thing and it scares the hell out of me.

So, in this week’s episode I took the opportunity to share the story of how I am leaning hard into my practice as all this is unfolding in my nervous system, and shining the light of awareness on what is arising, as a radical act of compassion. This allows me to then bring a spirit of curiosity and care to my experience, and to ask myself “how can I best care for myself, given what is here?” In applying the skills that I learned over many years of offering therapeutic coaching and teaching Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction and Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy, I am finding my way and doing the best I can to be a light in the darkness for my daughter and for myself.”

Have you ever gone back to a romantic relationship or friendship that you know isn’t healthy for you? How can we help survivors break free from trauma bonds with their abusers, acknowledge the reality of the abusive behaviors that can keep them trapped, and survive the withdrawal period long enough to get to safety?

Trauma bonding is a phenomenon where people who are being abused become empathetic towards and emotionally enmeshed with their abuser, and this can keep people locked into abusive relationships, feeling like they cannot leave because they “love” this person. This episode discusses the neural processes in our brain that keep us locked into toxic relationships, and offers practices and interventions from neuroscience to support breaking the cycle of addiction to unhealthy relationships, just like we can work with any other destructive habit we wish to change.

My friend was ready to give up on herself, when she texted me a picture of the bruises on her neck from where her abuser choked her. “It’s my fault because I keep going back,” she wrote. “I’m in a trauma bond. I know it sounds crazy but I miss him so much when he’s gone I end up answering his call and giving him another chance because I wish so badly he would actually change… I don’t tell anyone because I KNOW it’s up to me to stop it for good. And it’s something broken in me that can’t help but to go back… I started it by being avoidant.”

Being avoidant is not a death sentence for relationships. And it’s not an excuse for someone to physically or emotionally assault you.

In order to start to heal this relationship with ourselves, we must first honor the wisdom of the avoidance. It is what kept you safe from this in the past, and it’s actually a really intelligent response, especially in this situation where your system is trying to tell you that this person and this relationship is dangerous.

Then, we need to offer ourselves the kindness, affirmations of our own worthiness, and belonging that we did not get, back when we decided how the world works. In doing this, we start to build new neural pathways and speak into truth our right to soft and gentle relationships, peace and safety, and expression of our truest, most beautiful versions of ourselves.

There is absolutely NOTHING that you did that means you deserve to be abused.

It is your birthright to be peaceful. It is your birthright as a human being to be safe and to feel what you feel. None of this is your fault.

Before I blocked communication with my ex-husband, he texted and emailed me multiple times a day blaming me for his unhappiness and anger.

Eight years after our divorce, these messages are still coming, even in response to simple logistical questions like “can you pick up our daughter from school.” His constant harassment and the way he jabs at my abandonment wounds invades my thoughts and keeps me awake at night. His accusations even make me short-tempered with my daughter, which breaks my heart, because all I’ve ever wanted was to be the mom I didn’t get to have.

In his communications, he threaten to leave her, or to hurt himself, and claims that his life is worthless and that it is all my fault. These messages have been so consistent lately, that I am starting to wonder if he is right.

One of the symptoms of emotional abuse is feeling like you are the one to blame for the conflict and doubting your own experience. “Gaslighting” is a subtle tactic of manipulation in which your feelings are invalidated, and you start to believe that the abuse is your fault and that you are the one with the problem.

My ex’s behavior is exactly this — by shifting blame back to me, he avoids responsibility. By making me question my reality, he keeps me locked in the cycle of defensiveness and co-dependency. If he can make me feel as scared and alone as he is, only then will he feel “understood.” He keeps me trapped here as a scapegoat, so that he can feed off of me, because he is a vampire and I have been his energy source since the day we met. I still refuse to let him steal my joy and my passion for life, but I do fear that if I stop letting him suck me dry, our daughter will be next. Read more.

How does your childhood experience of belonging in the world play out in your adult relationships?

This first episode offers preliminary practices for developing a caring and kind relationship with yourself as the foundation for healing attachment wounds. Using simple grounding and resourcing exercises, you’ll be invited to welcome yourself to belong where you already are, and to engage your senses to help regulate your nervous system.

Cynthia also shares some trauma-sensitive mindfulness strategies that support working with intrusive thoughts, reclaiming your mental real estate, and retraining your attention to stay with your own present moment experience.

Are you a recovering co-dependent who struggles to break free from toxic relationships? Then join me, Dr. Cindy, on the Welcome You Podcast where I can help you set fierce boundaries and reclaim your power with kindness and composure. I’ll share how raising a child with an emotionally abusive coparent nearly broke me, until I found my way home to myself. Join me wherever you stream your podcasts, so that you can finally be free to welcome yourself home.

Are you feeling like you've lost yourself? Ask Dr. Cindy ... and start your journey home.

If you would like for your question or relationship challenge to be aired on a podcast episode, you can submit to Dr. Cindy by leaving a voicemail at (719) 759-9471. Your recording time will be limited to three minutes on this line, and you are welcome to use the entire time to share any relevant background or context that will help listeners connect to your story. Please remain anonymous, or use only a first name in this recording.

You are also welcome to submit questions or longer voice recordings via email to help@askdoctorcindy.com. I’ll make every effort to respond to every inquiry, either by email, in the blog, or during an episode. Please be patient, as it may take me a few weeks to get back to you.

Thank you so much for being willing to share your story and to ask for help. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to be able to reach out in times of distress, and your willingness to do this helps other survivors know they are not alone.

For now, please know that you are worthy of care and attention and that you deserve kindness and compassion. If your safety is in danger, please call 911, or the domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE. For resources to regulate your nervous system and help you manage fear and grief, please visit SafeWithinWellness.com, where you can find guided mindfulness meditations, and a free guide to instantly reduce your anxiety.

Remember to breathe, and to give yourself permission to rest in the present moment, and to be here with what is arising. Whatever you are feeling, whatever your experience, your emotions are valid. It is worthy of your time and care to give yourself the gift of your attention.

Learn more at www.welcomeyoupodcast.com