My friend was ready to give up on herself, when she texted me a picture of the bruises on her neck from where her abuser choked her. “It’s my fault because I keep going back,” she wrote. “I’m in a trauma bond. I know it sounds crazy but I miss him so much when he’s gone I end up answering his call and giving him another chance because I wish so badly he would actually change… I don’t tell anyone because I KNOW it’s up to me to stop it for good. And it’s something broken in me that can’t help but to go back… I started it by being avoidant.”

Being avoidant is not a death sentence for relationships. And it’s not an excuse for someone to physically or emotionally assault you.

In order to start to heal this relationship with ourselves, we must first honor the wisdom of the avoidance. It is what kept you safe from this in the past, and it’s actually a really intelligent response, especially in this situation where your system is trying to tell you that this person and this relationship is dangerous.

Then, we need to offer ourselves the kindness, affirmations of our own worthiness, and belonging that we did not get, back when we decided how the world works. In doing this, we start to build new neural pathways and speak into truth our right to soft and gentle relationships, peace and safety, and expression of our truest, most beautiful versions of ourselves.