Episodes

  • Epilogue with Jean Mellano, Michael Lovato & Nicole DeBoom

    Epilogue with Jean Mellano, Michael Lovato & Nicole DeBoom
    Mar 15 2022
    Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience. If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988. When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary. The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally. Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line. Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org). Today we come together to connect and share. Jean Mellano is the founder of the Touched by Suicide series & Steve Tarpinian's surviving partnerMichael Lovato is the narrator & a friend of Steve's who was deeply touched by his tragic suicideNicole DeBoom is the series co-collaborator with Jean, podcast engineer & interviewer This project was originally concepted as a single episode podcast with the objective of destigmatizing suicide and mental health. It turned into a 10-part series plus this epilogue with a much greater message to share - that suicide is so much more pervasive than we ever imagined and that we are not alone in our suffering. We learned so much through creating this series & we hope you did too. Notables: In the weeks and months before he passed, Steve contacted several people that he was close to, but did not normally speak to on a regular basis. It almost seemed like he wanted to say goodbye, or "clean up his side of the fence" if there were any unresolved issues. Everyone grieves differently. When a person is grieving one lost due to suicide, some loved ones may be unintentionally hurt by the actions taken by others who are also mourning the loss.Adam Sud’s ("An Attempter" episode) quote "Suicide is not about someone trying to end their life, suicide is someone trying to end their pain" explains so much.Kevin Hines ("A Golden Gate Jump Survivor" episode) had instant regret as soon as his hand left the railing. Did Steve have that regret before he took his own life?As difficult and painful as it is to hear the stories of those touched by suicide, it helps us "get it". It is human nature to be silent about the cause of death when it is suicide. This in turn propagates the stigma.We combat helplessness by being helpful.Suicide does not discriminate. There is no one profile type that can describe someone who may take their own life. People who die by suicide can be in the depths of despair or they can be at the pinnacle of their life (having it all).There are so many who are silently suffering.Steve’s legacy is helping others. He helped so many tap into themselves.People cannot relate to mental pain like they can relate to physical pain. We tried to finish the Epilogue on a happy note, but we were not able to. This podcast is not light listening and also is very painful for many to listen to. It was also very painful for us to create. In the podcast, Michael jokingly alluded to Steve's voice being not so great. To bring a smile to your face, click on any of these youtube links below to see Steve at his best - creative, funny and playful. The Touched by Suicide Podcast Series demonstrates that there is so much collateral damage resulting from suicide. The interviewees bravely revealed their vulnerabilities and raw feelings. Hopefully, this project will inspire conversation about suicide. That in itself will help reduce the stigma. Thank you for listening, for your support and for sharing with anyone who needs to hear this right now. Medical Advisory: The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan. Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening. Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io
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    37 mins
  • A Golden Gate Jump Survivor - Kevin Hines

    A Golden Gate Jump Survivor - Kevin Hines
    Mar 12 2022

    Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience.

    If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988. When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary. The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally. Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.

    Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).

    Today we hear the perspective of a man who attempted suicide by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. His name is Kevin Hines. He was 17 years old when he decided to take his life. Kevin shares his story, including the fact that he regretted his decision the second his body left the rail. He openly discusses his personal mental health issues, how he has learned to live with, but not act on, his suicidal feelings, and how connections and love form his foundation. Today Kevin travels the world sharing strategies for positive mental health, some of which you will hear right now. Please note - All of the resources Kevin shares are listed in the show notes for future reference.

    Resources:

    https://www.youtube.com/kevinhines

    Award-winning video "It was an instant regret"

    "The Art of Wellness 2.0" includes incredible daily life guidance

    HINESIGHTS Podcast

    Kevin Hines website

    Medical Advisory:

    The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan.

    Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.

    Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io
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    55 mins
  • A Widow - Jean Mellano

    A Widow - Jean Mellano
    Mar 10 2022
    Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience. If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988. When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary. The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally. Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line. Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org). Today we hear the perspective of a surviving partner. Her name is Jean Mellano. Steve and Jean met in 1981 and were together for over 33 years. Theirs was a love story and a tragedy. In 2013, Steve started slipping away and his depressions were becoming more frequent and longer in duration. Even though he sought professional help, he could no longer make decisions and was no longer capable of running his business. For any survivor who is listening, this episode is so powerful because Jean shares her struggles before and after Steve’s death. Like many survivors, memories continue to surface at often unexpected times. After she finished this interview, Jean remembered something important that she wanted to make sure we include. A few weeks before he passed, in a phone conversation, Steve shared with her that he was so afraid. When she asked what he meant, he could not—or did not want to—explain what he feared. Little did she know, he probably realized he was literally “losing his mind” and had no control over it. He felt he had no options left. Steve was her Ironman, her rock of support who got her through cancer and the passing of her parents—how could he possibly feel so vulnerable and alone? And how could she not know? These are the thoughts that continue to surface, even 7 years later. Sadly, this is common for survivors, so if you are going through this, you are not alone. Notables: Jean often says that she had no idea he would try to take his own life. Less than 30 minutes before he passed, she received this text message from him. The things Jean remembers about their early days Belly laughs: Steve already made her laugh so much. A good belly laugh is how Steve helped diagnose her tonsil cancerPity Parties: When Jean was going through a particularly tough chemo session, Steve took out some party hats and "What the f*ck is she so happy about?" It's so easy to look back and wonder... When you live with someone who is suffering, the changes can be so small and incremental that it's hard to really know when they change into something more serious.Ativan was used to treat Steve's anxiety and depression - Jean believes it's possible that the drugs that helped early on stopped working Parkinson's: Jean was diagnosed with Parkinson's shortly after Steve died. She believes the grief and stress triggered her Parkinson's. Survivor's guilt is real and universalGrief and recovery resources were not easy to find at that timeJean feels she perpetuated the stigma about Steve's suicide by telling a local reporter not to include the cause of his death. Shortly after that initial response, she changed her attitude and openly shared about Steve's suicide.As Jean says, "She put her head in the sand."Steve's mission in life was to help people as evidenced by his career choices; lifeguard, applying to the FDNY, coach. He cared so much about helping others; it was tough to accept that he couldn't help himself.Resources: Facebook groups for survivors are more available now and can be very helpful, the AFSP is doing great things to support survivors and raise awareness, the suicide prevention hotline does a great job to help direct people Medical Advisory: The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan. Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening. Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io
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    44 mins
  • A Friend - Mike Barone

    A Friend - Mike Barone
    Mar 4 2022

    Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience.

    If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988. When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary. The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally. Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.

    Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).

    Today we hear from Mike Barone, one of Steve's friends. Mike met Steve in July 2005 when he decided to do a Half IRONMAN for his 40th birthday. He needed a group to train with; he found Team Total Training and joined them for a swim training session. He "just did what the long-haired guy on the surfboard told him to do." After post-workout drinks, he had found his crew! Mike was shocked to learn about Steve's suicide. He remembers Steve as a beautiful person who helped so many others.

    Notables:

    • Steve's great talent was in building community
    • "Beauty is in the Balance" - a philosophy Steve touted but struggled to adhere to himself
    • Working together: fun & positive environment fostered by Steve
    • Steve cared so much how others were feeling
    • Warning signs: There really weren't any until Steve called Mike a month or so before his death
    • Suicide awareness seems to have increased: Mike feels more aware and open about suicide and mental health
    • How much pain was that person in to think suicide is the alternative

    Medical Advisory:

    The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan.

    Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.

    Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io
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    39 mins
  • An Athlete - Deb Savarese

    An Athlete - Deb Savarese
    Feb 26 2022

    Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience.

    If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988. When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary. The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally. Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.

    Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).

    Today we hear from a woman who was coached by Steve Tarpinian. Deb Savarese discovered triathlon when she decided to do a triathlon to celebrate her 50th birthday. She signed up for a tri clinic and shortly afterward joined Steve's training group, Team Total Training. Deb misses Steve greatly. She feels he is still with us. She can still hear his voice especially when she's swimming.

    Notables include:

    • Steve really knew how to make beginners feel welcome
    • Steve loved and embraced all his athletes; he was a mentor and a friend
    • Steve impacted Deb in a huge way: she is not afraid to take on challenges, she is able to believe in herself more, she thinks bigger, works harder and really embraces discipline - all things she learned from Steve
    • Even when a person we know dies by suicide, they can still be with us. As Deb says, “Steve is still her coach”
    • It's difficult to know how serious a suicidal person's struggles are. At times Steve seemed moody, not easy to approach, withdrawn versus his usual bubbly, social self.
    • When Steve died, Deb knew right away that he took his own life because of struggles she had heard he was having. The last time she saw him, he did not look well. His appearance had changed, he was disheveled, distracted.
    • The only warning sign Deb can remember is that Steve called her twice right before he died which was not something he ever did. He never called to chat. In retrospect, she feels he was trying to say good bye.
    • The only way to open the door about mental health is to talk about it. Deb has since learned it's okay to ask someone if they are thinking of taking their own life. We shouldn't be afraid to pry.

    Medical Advisory:

    The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan.

    Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.

    Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io
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    28 mins
  • A Pro Athlete - Rip Esselstyn

    A Pro Athlete - Rip Esselstyn
    Feb 19 2022

    Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience.

    If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988. When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary. The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally. Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.

    Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).

    Today we hear from a former professional athlete and good friend of Steve Tarpinian. Rip Esselstyn knew Steve as an athlete, coach & a friend who was always up for an adventure. Rip's stories about their shared time together brings Steve, the inspiration behind this series, to life.

    Notables:

    • Steve was an outgoing, approachable, empathetic person, both interested in others and interesting himself! The point is that people struggling with mental health issues can seem exactly the opposite of what we may think.
    • Steve opened up to Rip about his depression and hospitalization, and looking back, Rip says, "I think we all feel like we could have been better friends" when they're gone.
    • It seemed surreal that Steve would take his own life. This is a common reaction to so many people who attempt or die by suicide.
    • Rip feels there is still a barrier to discuss suicide because mental health is so private and can feel invasive to ask directly.
    • Rip's final thoughts, "I would tell Steve how much I love him, what an absolute gem of a human being he is. So sorry he is hurting this much and in so much pain. Let’s fly out to Kona and swim out to the buoy and see the dolphins again. You will be missed more than you know."

    Medical Advisory:

    The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan.

    Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.

    Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io
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    44 mins
  • A Son - Michael Stewart

    A Son - Michael Stewart
    Feb 12 2022

    Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience.

    If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988. When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary. The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally. Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.

    Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).

    Today we hear from Michael Stewart - a man who has been touched closely by suicide twice. Steve Tarpinian was a father figure to Michael, a man who helped guide him into the sport of triathlon which became his passion in his younger years. Michael raced at the highest level of triathlon from age 9 through 16 until he started to experiment with drugs and alcohol. He stopped racing triathlons, went off to college and didn't maintain an active relationship with Steve. When Steve died, Michael never truly processed his suicide.

    Less than three years later, Michael suffered another terrible loss to suicide - his father Mike Stewart. On Michael's 61st day sober, he arrived home to two detectives who delivered the news.

    Michael is a truly special person, so strong and vulnerable in his journey. His perspective of a son who lost a father and a father figure is important - the people left behind will forever struggle to pick up the pieces.

    Notables:

    • Mental health, depression & addiction were open topics of communication, as his dad suffered from alcoholism and depression
    • Michael defines himself as having an addictive personality - discussion about whether this is genetic or a result of upbringing
    • Hindsight: Michael expresses a desire for closure, wishing he would have said or done something that may have helped
    • Don't take everything at face value: Steve was a good actor and people didn't know what he was going through
    • People younger than Michael are more open and things are better in terms of awareness and suicide stigma
    • Advice: Pick up the phone when you are suffering. There is always someone to talk to

    Medical Advisory:

    The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan.

    Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.

    Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io
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    49 mins
  • A Psychiatrist - Dr Stephen Andreski

    A Psychiatrist - Dr Stephen Andreski
    Feb 9 2022

    Trigger warning: This episode may include discussions about suicide, mental illness, substance abuse and self-harm. If these topics are sensitive to you, proceed with caution. It may also contain strong language and is intended for an adult audience.

    If you are feeling suicidal, thinking about hurting yourself, or are concerned that someone you know may be in danger of hurting himself or herself, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988. When people call, text, or chat 988, they will be connected to trained counselors that are part of the existing National Suicide Prevention Lifeline network. These trained counselors will listen, understand how their problems are affecting them, provide support, and connect them to resources if necessary. The current Lifeline phone number (1-800-273-8255) will always remain available to people in emotional distress or suicidal crisis, even after 988 is launched nationally. Veterans can now dial 988 and press 1 to reach the Veteran Crisis Line.

    Suicide warning signs can be found at the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention website (Afsp.org).

    "Awareness generally precedes progress." - Dr. Andreski

    Today we talk to a psychiatrist who has been treating suicidal patients and survivors of suicide loss for 45 years. Dr Stephen Andreski shares a clinical perspective on the different angles of suicide.

    Dr. Andreski, MD, is a Diplomat of the American Board of Psychiatry & Neurology, the former Medical Director of the Crisis Unit Capital District Psychiatric Center, & the former Director of Psychiatric Emergency Services at Albany Medical Center Hospital.

    Notables include:

    • Why people attempt suicide: largely due to depression, a great sense of suffering, feelings of aloneness & that their situations are hopeless
    • Warning signs to note: Signs of depression, changes in behaviors, withdrawal from normal routines and community
    • Why do some people consider suicide a selfish act? Suicide is often a self-concerned act, but the attempter feels it's the opposite of selfish, as they feel the world would be better off without them.
    • Do you think suicides can be prevented? Not all people can be stopped from killing themselves even if they see a mental health professional.
    • Effects on survivors: Children of parents who die by suicide are 300-800 times more likely to attempt suicide
    • How have awareness and stigma changed: awareness is much greater than 45 years ago, and discussions are more common, but treatment may actually be harder to get.

    Medical Advisory:

    The Run This World Podcast & the Touched by Suicide series does not provide crisis, counseling or direct services. The information and resources contained on this site are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. Please consult a mental health professional before making changes to your treatment plan.

    Please be sure to share this podcast with anyone who needs to hear it right now. Thank you for listening.

    Music credit: "Forgiveness" by Sensho from Upbeatt.io
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    52 mins