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BOMT (The Battery-Operated Magic Toupee) lands on Whackoff 8, the most self-sexually, self-romantically, and self-involved planet in a self-absorbed universe of immense, egocentric, imperiousness. The official transcription logs of BOMT, as it approached the gravitational field of pure narcissistic sexual energy waves, reads as “I am entering the field of Whackoff 8 , detecting a rise in unfiltered egocentric energy and… oh my God, I never noticed how gorgeous and drop dead sexy I am, I … I want to write a love poem to myself… I just can’t help it. My antenna is uncontrollably stroking my throttle-boing stick and it feels so good… I am fanaticising sticking my spoorelease rod into my rear passage duct… and sticking it in and out and in and…. Oh I love me! I am expelling my excess jizzlubricant. I am going to marry myself!”

As BOMT continued admiring a screenshot of itself, it downloaded the following achieve material:

We begin with the Faecal Economist Langly Fulton shares his top tips on toilet paper substitute (note: Do not attempt using discarded sandpaper) and a commercial from Head Bang Industries for the latest technology in walls to bang your head against.

David Cumfucker attempts, unsuccessfully, to report day 69 from the trial of the decade despite obstacles, which include a retarded camera crew (we apologise if saying ‘retarded’ has offended any listeners, including retarded listener, who may tend to become a bit retarded when triggered over retarded things, such as this retarded sketch). After a message from the makers of Kak Gleam who add razzle and sparkle in your dung (and we realise that dung doesn’t usually describe human poop however we are told that some of our listeners are animals), we feature the latest episode of Fucking with Nature where Jim Obean, the fucking naturist, attempts to do it with a bee.

#funnyadults #darkhumor #darkjokes #darkadultjokes #darkadulthumor #humours #humor

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It’s time to verbally vomit clichéd merry Christmases and happy Chanukah schmutz into a microphone and poop out into a second holiday special.

BOMT is shamelessly exploited by producers for a cheesy second holiday special designed by producers to excrete some more happy holiday crap that rips-off synthetic sentiment like hack seasonal Disney porn. It is an alternative time line of cheap drivel where a fourth-rate podcaster, absent of integrity and taste, rehashes worn tripe and creates a podcast called “The Battery-Operated Magic Toupee – The Podcast”.

We begin this episode with asking the probing (and we DO mean probing in a sexual way) question: Why are perverts ruining Christmas? We attempt to answer this question while ignoring the Santa giving his elf a handy. Mean Morty is back with his next Christmas tip and Xmas memories recalling when Skippy the dog did it with the holiday turkey.

BOMT proudly presents (it really is shocking that BOMT could proudly present this crap) … as we were saying, BOMT PROUDLY presents a special season episode of The Twitlike Zone. This weeks pile: Jerry’s Foreskin for Christmas. It is a retelling of the most world famous Christmas and Chanukah tale that has been told endlessly through the year and has been the inspiration for countless films: The Christmas story of the man who forces his way to the mythical Foreskin Achieve and undergoes a life changing foreskin transplant. (Note – we were shocked to discover that no-one else knows of this, the most traditional holiday tale, ever told. For F£%&CKs sake, where have you been all these years!).

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BOMT landed on an alternative timeliness of Earth in time for the ultimate holiday of love and kindness of man to his fellow man and transvestite. It was the time of year where miracles are celebrated: The annual wanking of the bull.

In this alternative timeliness timeline, Spaniards celebrate the life of the blind saint/ farmer Saint Pullington Juicer, who performed the miracle of accidentally milking a male bull and drawing milk. Theologians theorise that it may not have been milk.

Coincidently, the next day was Christmas. On Christmas day, their alternative St. Nicholas visits all the houses in the neighbourhood and guilt-trips the little children for not buying him a present and for being such greedy, self-centred shits that the they expect a stranger in a ridiculous red suit to buy ‘then' gifts.

BOMT drapes itself in mistletoe and KY Jelly as it oozes into this alternative universe where the wholesome seasonal holiday spirit has been overrun by cheesy Xmas porn and yuletime body secretions. There is no Rudalph the Red Nose Reindeer but there is Barry the Moose with Blue Balls, there is no I’m Dreaming Of A White Christmas but there is I’m fantasising a naked elf with Cream Pie.

Words cannot describe the bodily secretions that are splooged all over the Christmas trees because these body secretions haven’t been named yet. The secretions are from sex acts so offensive, disgusting, and just plain wrong that only the most twisted and sickest pervert could find a way to secrete it while actually performing a sex act that, when we say words can’t describe it, is because no diseased mind has invented the words yet for that which cannot be imagined.

On this episode: we begin with the quandary that weighs on everyone’s mind during this synthetic, festive, season of unfilled expectations and high suicides: “Do you want to fuck a reindeer in the arse?”. We visit the most intelligent department store Santa in the Universe as he faces off against the worst filth in the galaxy: A young child. We feature Mean Morty’s Christmas tips, the stingy pointers on how to save money on Xmas and an inside peak at the Marketing firm of some plastically marketing types as they meet with the council of Rabbis and, despite having the mighty dreidel, proceed to ‘sex up Chanukah’.