A raven landed dramatically on Banana Delvey’s windowsill, looking like it had just left an after-hours. “Caw! There’s a war for the crown happening in the heart of the capital—Davie Street! The stakes are high, the heels are higher, and the shade is DEADLY.”

Banana gasped, clutching her pearls (well, a broken necklace from Ardene). “A battle for the crown? Say less.” But before she could snatch her sword (a bedazzled foam bat from a past pride float), she turned to Miss October—her sister, her ride-or-die, the diva of all divas—only to find her… wilting.

Miss October had fallen victim to a dark, mysterious illness, one that twisted her week by week into something unspeakable. Her once-glowing skin dulled, her iconic cheekbones sharpened to terrifying points, and worst of all—her makeup started blending itself like some kind of sick joke. Her fiancé was forced to cover every mirror in the house, lest she catch a glimpse and let out an unholy screech that would crack all the glass in Vancouver.

“I cannot be seen like this,” Miss October whispered from under a sheer veil.

Banana, wiping away a single dramatic tear, knew what had to be done. If Miss October couldn’t fight, she would.

With that, she threw on her best battle armor—chainmail fishnets, a sequined corset built like a bulletproof vest, and platform boots that could break a man’s heart and femur. She assembled a ragtag army of fairies, wood nymphs, and goblins (aka every chaotic creature from the queer depths of Commercial Drive) and set off for the battlefield.

The Battle Dome on Davie Street was carnage. Week by week, the war for the crown intensified. Wigs were ripped clean off, lashes flew like shuriken, and the scent of desperation and Ariana Grande body mist filled the air. The contestants fought with lip syncs so brutal that even the DJ feared for his life. There was no mercy—only splits, kicks, and the occasional betrayal.

Banana, ever the hard-hitting journalist, took it upon herself to document the madness in real-time. She live-tweeted every scandal, every shocking elimination, every time someone missed their cue. And then—the scandal of all scandals.

Burna Dart, East Vancouver’s unshakable hero, the icon who had the city in a chokehold, was ROBBED on week two. The crowd gasped. A fairy fainted. A wood nymph threw herself onto the ground in despair. The city was in shambles.

With each passing week, hope faded, Miss October’s transformation worsened, and the battle for the crown reached unimaginable heights. Who would win? Could Miss October be saved? Would Burna Dart ever get justice?

Only time would tell. TO BE CONTINUED…