Resources Register for Leslie's Webinar, February 13: "I'm Not Okay When You're Not Okay" Think you might be in a destructive marriage? Get Leslie's Quick Start Guide here. Do you feel like the weight of every decision in your marriage or family is on your shoulders? Are you struggling with a spouse who refuses to engage or, worse, actively makes things harder? If decision-making feels overwhelming and you're stuck in fear of making the wrong choice, this episode is for you. Leslie Vernick shares insights on overcoming decision paralysis, handling an unengaged spouse, and finding clarity even when the path forward is uncertain.

Key Takeaways

1. You Don’t Have to Make the Perfect Decision Many people stay stuck in indecision because they fear making the wrong choice. But the truth is, no one has perfect information all the time. Even a wrong decision can provide valuable insight, allowing you to adjust and move forward. Instead of viewing decisions as permanent, think of them as opportunities to learn and course-correct along the way.

2. Indecision Is Still a Decision Choosing not to decide is, in itself, a decision—with its own consequences. If you're paralyzed by fear or waiting for your spouse to take action, recognize that staying in limbo is creating an outcome, too. Instead of waiting for someone else to change, take responsibility for what you can control and move forward with wisdom.

3. How to Handle a Spouse Who Won’t Participate in Decision-Making If your spouse is disengaged, you have choices in how you respond: with resentment, with curiosity, or with acceptance. Ask yourself: Is he afraid of making mistakes? Has he been criticized in the past? Does he struggle with change? By approaching the situation with understanding rather than frustration, you can free yourself from bitterness and take action where necessary.

4. Understanding Fear and Avoidance in Decision-Making Fear can be paralyzing, especially for someone who has been conditioned to avoid risk. Some people resist making decisions due to past trauma, upbringing, or personality differences. For example, if your spouse grew up in an environment where mistakes were punished harshly, he may struggle to take initiative. Recognizing this can help you approach the situation with grace rather than resentment.

5. When You’re Not Allowed to Make Decisions What if you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum—where your spouse makes all the decisions, even when they are harmful? If his leadership is damaging your family financially, emotionally, or spiritually, you may need to establish firm boundaries. Seeking wise counsel, setting limits, and refusing to enable destructive choices are crucial steps in reclaiming your voice and protecting your well-being.

6. The Power of Boundaries and Choice Having boundaries helps you exercise your power of choice. This is what I will do. This is what I won’t do. This is what I can do. This is what I can’t do. But setting boundaries also means learning to live with others’ disappointment and resentment. Whether it’s your children, spouse, or extended family, making decisions that are good for you—and ultimately for them—often comes with resistance. Accepting this reality allows you to move forward with confidence rather than guilt.

7. Living from Your Noble Self Instead of Your Emotions Acting out of your noble self means making decisions that align with who you are in Christ, rather than being driven by fear, resentment, or a need for approval. It’s about showing up in your life with strength and dignity, just like the Proverbs 31 woman. You don’t need to apologize for being wise, decisive, or courageous. God designed you to make choices, and embracing this responsibility is part of spiritual maturity.

8. You Always Have Choices Even in the hardest circumstances, you still have choices. Viktor Frankl, a Holocaust survivor, wrote that everything can be taken from a person except one thing: the ability to choose how they will respond. If you feel trapped in your marriage, your job, or another painful situation, start by asking: How do I want to be in this moment? What small steps can I take toward change? Recognizing your power to choose—even in small ways—can be incredibly freeing.

9. Trusting God in the Decision-Making Process God doesn’t expect you to make perfect decisions, but He does call you to trust Him and take action. The Bible says, “You will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it’” (Isaiah 30:21). As you seek wisdom, make the best choice you can, and be open to self-correction when necessary.

RESOURCES

1. Leslie's Quick Start Guide
2. Brad Hambrick's Blog: Why Is It So Hard to Have Constructive Conversations About Abuse? Church Cares
3. American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC)
4. Equip

Show Notes: Why Churches Resist Abuse Ministry

Introduction Have you ever wondered why churches sometimes hesitate or even resist addressing abuse within their congregations? In today’s episode, Leslie Vernick unpacks this difficult but vital question. She shares her years of experience working with churches and individuals to create safer spaces for those harmed by abuse. Whether you’ve felt dismissed by your church, or you’re striving to bring change, this conversation offers clarity, hope, and practical steps forward. Together, we’ll explore why this resistance exists, what’s changing, and how we can be part of the solution.

Key Takeaways

1. The History of Church Resistance to Abuse Ministry

• In the past, many churches believed abuse wasn’t a problem among Christians, leading to unsafe environments for children and vulnerable members.
• Change was driven largely by legal and financial accountability rather than a proactive desire for safety.
• Churches must recognize the reality of abuse and embrace preventative measures as part of their mission to love and protect their people.

2. The Misconceptions That Fuel Resistance

• Many church leaders empathize more with the fear of false accusations than with victims’ lived experiences, despite false reports being rare.
• Misunderstandings about what constitutes abuse—such as emotional or sexual abuse within marriage—prevent churches from addressing it effectively.

3. The Role of Leadership in Healthy Relationships

• Biblical headship is about servant leadership, not power or control. Healthy leaders use their influence to empower and uplift others, reflecting Christ’s example.
• Submission, as taught in Scripture, is a voluntary act rooted in mutual love and respect—not coercion or oppression.

4. Why Individual Healing Must Precede Marriage Work

• Starting with marriage counseling in abusive situations often leads to failure. Individual healing for both parties is essential before addressing the relationship.
• Churches can support this process by encouraging personal growth and connecting individuals with appropriate resources.

5. Resources to Equip Churches for Better Ministry

• Free tools like the Church Cares Curriculum provide essential training for addressing abuse.
• Leslie’s EQUIP group offers ongoing support and education for pastors, counselors, and leaders seeking to handle abuse well.

A Personal Invitation If you’re a church leader, counselor, or someone who wants to advocate for healthier, safer relationships in your community, take the next step. Visit LeslieVernick.com to learn more about EQUIP and access resources designed to empower leaders and protect the vulnerable.

Change is possible when we open our hearts to God’s guidance and truly listen to the pain of those around us. If you’ve been hurt by the church or feel overwhelmed as a leader, know that God sees you and desires healing and growth.

Listen to the full episode now and share it with your pastor or church leader! Together, we can foster safer, healthier communities.