Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you are able to join me for today's special episode entitled PAUSE.

This episode is special to me because I'm trying on some of the things that I've been the learning and sharing this season. I'm taking time to listen to my body, being gentle with myself, and giving myself the time and space to allow the natural ebbs and flows of life.

I'm thankful to be surrounded by a loving community that helped me reflect and following through when I asked myself the question "What do I need right now?"

I'm about to live through a busy time of change over the next couple of months and as I take time to listen inside and be with all the good that lays ahead I've made the decision to press pause before producing, editing, and sharing my final episodes for this season.

For most of my life, I've lived in a binary mode of all or nothing. Full steam ahead or quit and walk away. My normal way of operating would be to push myself and force out these last episodes but I'm going to practice what I preach and give myself permission to press pause and to give myself the space that I need right now.

I appreciate all of you who have been following along and sharing your love, support, and encouragement across this season so it was important for me not to just 'go dark' and disappear for a while.

So what about you? What do you need right now?

James

Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you are able to join me for today's story episode entitled Grief, Loss, Hope, Love

One of the more surprising things I discovered during my time in rehab was the duality of recovery. Yes, recovery is learning to stop or let go of behaviours and actions that may no longer be serving you. AND, recovery is also about remembering behaviours and actions that I had almost given up hope for. 

For me, my recovery journey has been a twisting and winding road where I am being reminded and retaught that I am worthy of love, that I am lovable, and that I am capable of loving others.

In today's story episode, I take you back inside the walls of my rehab experience to share what I learned about grief and loss and about how avoiding pain was also helping me to avoid the one thing that I've been searching for my entire life. When I started to be with my grief and loss, I also started to find hope and love.

Episode links:

Commitment and Healing: Gay Men and the Need for Romantic Love

James

In today's episode, I'm joined with the incredible mother and son team, Candace & Riley. Candace and Riley are going to share part of their journey of unconditional love, acceptance, courage, strength & hope, and how they made a decision to come out as a family in the middle of the pandemic. 

It is conversations like this and humans like Riley and Candace that give me hope and help to build a vision of the world that I want to live in.

Riley and Candace are living examples of who we can become, the spaces we can create, and the relationships that we can foster when we embrace all of who God designed us to be.

Instead of living in spaces defined by control, separation, exclusion, and fear; Riley and Candace are charting a different way forward. What type of world will you choose to be part of?

The world I choose to be part of is one where we encourage, applaud, and provide all we can to support educators and parents like Candace. A world where we provide the tools, resources, and space for Candace to help ALL children know how loved and important they actually are.

The world I choose to be part of is one where we encourage, applaud, and provide all we can to support humans like Riley. A world where surround people like Riley with unconditional love, affirmation, and encouragement to be exactly who they were created to be.

The world I choose to be part of is one where we encourage, applaud, and provide all we can to support safe spaces similar to the environment that Dan, Candace, and Riley are creating in their own home. A world where all people have a space, community, and safe haven where they can receive the love, encouragement, help, and hugs that are their birthright.

The space that Dan, Candace, and Riley have created in their home is 'the church' or more accurately 'the community' that Jesus instructed us to build with each other.

What would it be like for you to live in that world? Who might you be today if you grew up in that world? What can you do today to create that world where you are right now? 

James

Your perceived challenge with addiction isn’t the problem. 

You are not the ‘problem’. 

It’s what happened to you that has caused this ‘problem’.

The Adverse Childhood Experience Study (ACEs) is population-based clinical evidence that shows that the major factor underlying addiction in adults is childhood trauma. 

It is proven that those who suffer from addiction in their adult life are those who had adverse childhood experiences when they were younger. 

Have you been introduced to the work of Dr. Vincent Felitti and his Adverse Childhood Experiences Study? Do you know what your own ACE score is? If not, follow the link below to take the simple assessment and get your score.

ACE score quiz

Want to learn more about ACEs? Here are a few great resources to get you started:

• TED - How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime - Dr. Nadine Burke Harris
• CDC site on ACEs
• ACEs and Toxic Stress - Office of the California Surgeon General
• The Deepest Well - Dr. Nadine Burke Harris

James

By sharing his own personal experience with religious trauma and evolution towards leaving fundamentalism behind, Andrew Pledger was fired from his campus job and expelled from Bob Jones University. 

Join our conversation as Andrew shares how his art gave him a unique opportunity to explore how religious trauma has impact his life and how he started his own journey of healing, spiritual growth, and listening to God to become his own hero.

Resource List:

• This I know: A Simple Biblical Defence for LGBTQ Christians, by Jim Dant
• My Gay Church Days: A memoir of a closeted evangelical pastor who eventually had enough, by George Azar
• The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, by Bessel van der Kolk M.D.
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson
• Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion, by Marlene Winell
• Beyond Shame: Creating a Healthy Sex Life on Your Own Terms, by Matthias Roberts
• Sacred Wounds: A Path to Healing from Spiritual Trauma, by Teresa B Pasquale
• First Baptist Church, Greenville SC
• ChurchClarity

Hello and welcome to This Little Light of Mine, my name is James Powell and I'm so glad that you are able to join me for today's story episode entitled Complex Trauma.

I need to take a deep breath as I introduce today's episode. This was one of the hardest episodes that I've had to write in the last year. As I took the time to go back through my journals, read through the assignments that I completed while in rehab two years ago, and revisit my massive 'rehab binder' of worksheets, daily check-ins, assessments, and resources; I was hit with a wave of emotions. It was really hard to look back and see the space that I was in and to re-experience some of the thoughts and feelings that I was going through at that time of my life.

Rehab gave me a pause and permission to change the paradigm of how I was getting help. This paradigm shift helped to give me the opportunity to be deeply seen and deeply known, both by my therapists and by the other men in the house. This was a game-changer for me and helped me to see the many trauma responses that I've been living with and experiencing for most of my life.

When children don’t perceive safety from anyone in their world, they teach themselves that it is never safe to trust anyone. This approach creates a feeling of complete isolation, loneliness, disconnection, and can introduce and reinforce a feeling of being broken. This type of trauma is the birthplace of shame. This type of shame can overwhelm even the most resilient of children.

After decades of striving forward in the dark, I finally started to get an honest assessment of what I was dealing with so that I could start my healing journey. Rehab was not a final destination. It was a start.

James

"The sexy thing in the #exvangelical world right now is destruction. That's the easiest path, just shoot flaming arrows at the thing, tear it apart, poke holes in it. 

Destroying something is deeply satisfying the moment, especially when there is a lot of hurt. 

Deconstruction has a lot more intention behind it, it's much more careful in its exploration."

Today I'm joined with my personal friend John Emery. John is a former evangelical worship pastor who made the decision to walk away from his role in the church in order to search for a more inclusive and affirming path forward for himself, his family, and for all people. 

John is on his own personal journey of deconstruction where he is learning to grow into spaces that encourage him to be more vulnerable, uncertain, complex, and ambiguous in his relationship with God and how he defines church. 

John is a strong LGBTQ+ ally who lives with his wife and three kids in Freeport Maine where he is the founder of branding agency Emery. Emery works to help bring clarity and confidence to brands and they believe that every "good idea" deserves a great reputation. John's overall life goal in everything that he does is to help grow fruit on other people's trees.

What's your hope for the church? Where do you find your intentions? 

Are you fighting to keep things the same? 

Do you want to return to someplace from the past? 

Do you want to destroy something that has caused pain? 

Or are you focused on deconstruction so that we can open up space where you can co-create something new?

James

Looking back, I can now describe my time in treatment as the most difficult, most exposed, and most rewarding time of my life. I started to pull the wool back from my eyes and began to see how my approach to 'strength' hurt me, hurt others around me, and nearly cost me my life.

While in treatment I learned how many of my addictive behaviours and anxiety-producing thoughts were shame-based thoughts that I was not surrendering. Even today much of my fear-based thinking comes from a false belief that I'm in control. There continue to be times when I dissociate and go somewhere inside as I try to numb or run from the idea that I have to handle everything in my life all by myself.

Surrender is a day-to-day learning experience in my life and as I focus on shifting my mindset and approach, I'm slowly starting to realize that I don't actually have to do life on my own. 

I am surrounded by help.

I am part of a loving community of friends and family.

I am a valuable and loved child of God, and so are you

You are accepted and loved unconditionally by God who made you exactly as you are.⁠ ⁠ You, your heart, your mind, your body, your spirit, your gender expression, your sexuality, and the way you love, are created perfectly in God’s image.⁠ ⁠ 

You are designed as an ultra-social being who is wired to connect and be in community with others. You have been designed to be deeply known and you experience that knowing when you surrender and safely open yourself up with others and allow yourself to be seen.

You are created on purpose and your purpose is to fully love yourself, connect deeply with others and share your love with the rest of the world.⁠

James

RESOURCES: 

• Feelings Wheel