David (having been overthrown by his very hairy and sexy son) was staying out in the wilderness a few miles from Jerusalem. He started making friends with the locals and he, alongside his loyalists, started building an army up, just in case Absalom decided to attack. 

Absalom was too busy fucking all of his dad's sex slaves to notice at first, but eventually had his two advisors discuss whether he should attack now or later. He took the advice to attack later, not only giving David the chance to build an army, but also causing one of his advisors to commit suicide as well.

Absalom's army approached David and David's men wiped the floor with them, with the help of the forest of Ephraim that was eating Absalom's men for dinner. Finally Absalom got his hair caught in a tree and Joab, David' General, stabbed three javelins through his heart and then had his men beat him to death as he hung there by his hair.

After Absalom's brother rapes their sister, he has him killed. David is upset about this for some reason and Absalom is banished out... like 10 miles away. David's General, Joab, convinces David to allow Absalom to return after a few years and that turns out to be a bit of mistake. Absalom, who had 5 pounds of hair and was therefore very sexy, starting gaining more and more popularity and control, eventually forcing David to flee... like 10 miles away.

When King David learned that their rival neighbors, who the Israelites had allegedly already wiped off the face of the Earth twice, the Ammonites, had lost their king, he decided to send a couple diplomats over to pay his respects. When the diplomats showed up, the Ammonite elders advised the new king that these men were most likely spies checking for any weaknesses, and they had no reason to believe otherwise. They did the only logical thing and shaved these men's beards off and cut a hole in their robe to expose their naked buttholes. This started a war.

During the war, David got the hots for a woman he spied on while she was taking a bath and whose name was coincidentally Bathsheba. He did the logical thing and ordered her to the palace, ordered her to have sex with him, came inside of her, and then had her husband (who was a hero in his army currently fighting in the War of the Naked Buttholes) killed. 

God was so mad that he did the only logical thing. And that was to murder David and Bathsheba's baby.