Please click on this link to contribute whateveryou can to keep this podcast on the air: https://thechesedfund.com/yeshivaofnewarkpodcast/keeping-the-ark-afloat With downloads approaching the million mark-andan archival library numbering in the thousands, the Yeshiva of Newark Podcast has been striving to continuously upgrade our content, and professionalize our audio sound, along with altering approaches in light of much appreciated listener feedback. A niche has been carved out that resonates with many on the wide spectrum of Observant Jews. This explains why we continually rank high in independent on-line lists of top Yeshiva podcasts. This proud edifice is in real danger of toppling and disappearing. We need the help of our listeners to continue to record and edit, and to promote a product that has been a balm and instructive to somany. Just 36 dollars, a minimum donation, from a thousand of you out there will keep us afloat as a New Ark of straight, intelligent,and humorous discussion, lectures, debate and inquiry - while thedestructive waters of ignorance and politics crash around us. Episode 80:Lack of Transparency in Marriage & Its Repercussions Rabbis Skaist and Kivelevitz join Prof. Juni in a brainstorming panel discussion about a common source of marital difficulties in traditional orthodox religious culture. R. Kivelevitz describes the initial contrived dating experience as one in which each partner presents deceptively as perfect and in line with prescribed ideals. The discussants agree that this mode is aharbinger of consistent misrepresentations in the future of resulting relationships. R. Skaist notes that the reality of the culture is such thatinitial transparency during dating would inevitably lead the other partner to abort the relationship before it develops. He deplores that mentors in the system explicitly advise those dating to avoid sharing information that might lower their image. Moreover, there is no timeline for the introduction oftransparency into the budding relationship at all. Sharing his experience as a mentor and Dayan (member of a religious court), R. Kivelevitz reports that this situation is a major contributor to sexual and intimacy difficulties in marriages. It is further exacerbated by the dissonance between the self-professed lofty (and unrealistic) views espoused duringthe dating experiences and the reality that most orthodox couples violate the official proscriptions against intimacy during their dating experience to some degree. Markedly, these couples often proceed into a marriage where the discrepancy between ideals and behavior is never discussed. Dr. Juni suggests that many of these difficulties could be avoided if educators and mentors in the system advise transparency during the dating process with the explicit messages that… a) no one’s reality matches the ideal(i.e., everyone has several skeletons in his/her closet); and b) lack of transparency is bound to harm (and possibly explode) any long-term relationship. Thus, it is not a question of “whether”your prospective partner has weaknesses or liabilities (just as you do), but rather “what” those liabilities are. Juni stresses that the Yeshiva culture does not share the Western mental health attitude which values transparency in relationships. Specifically, It is OK to live a positively motivated lie if you can pull it off – be it the fact that you are on certain medications, you watch pornography occasionally, youengage in illegal betting occasionally, or that you have an arrest record. R. Skaist discusses the dynamics of Betrayal Trauma which occurs when one discovers deception that has been perpetrated by a spouse. Noting that thisis seen as a clinical lack of integrity and a devaluation of the other, he stresses that such betrayal is classified as a form of abuse by martial experts. Drawing on his experience with troubled couples, R. Kivelevitz adds that the “perpetrators” of such abuse are often unaware that their past has been problematic, and are surprised when it begins to cause marital strife. What constitutes marital abuse? Juni insists that any consensual behavior is not considered abusive regardless of the values that may be violated. However,difficulties with this criterion, as applied to the orthodox Jewish culture, areraised by the discussants. R. Kivelevitz notes Halachic prescriptions and proscriptions in the areas of sexuality as examples. R. Skaist notes that the culture explicitly calls for the wife’s submission to the husband’s proclivities.R. Kivelevitz also points to “soft coercion” tactics (e.g. manipulation, incessant pleading, inducing guilt trips, etc.) as gray areas in defining abuse. R. Soloveitchik’s treatise on Halachic Courage is discussed, as R. Kivelevitz applies that idea as giving priority to halachic obligations over emotional needs. R. Skaist argues that while such a notion may exist as an ideal one may ...
