Ever feel like someone is listening in on your private thoughts? Don’t be foolish. You have no private thoughts.

It’s time for the Remote Station Seven cutest pet contest. Listeners are encouraged to send in photos of their pet doing something adorable, along with its registration identification number and official electronic implant status.

Remote Station Seven is dedicated to serving its listening community, and can better serve you if you submit a document with your name, address, and whatever grievances you have with the appropriate authorities. This information will not be used for any purpose that need concern you.

The Remote Station Seven staff curling team is fundraising again. When designated collection agents appear at your door, do not be alarmed. Please remember to surrender your unregistered electronic devices. And have a nice day.

Any resemblance between Remote Station Seven transmissions and the sounds in your own head are purely coincidental, and no such official experiments exist that could possibly make this a reality.

Had radio problems? Attempted to fix the problem on your own? Found a mysterious device lodged within your radio? This is all in your head. It never happened.

All variety shows are cancelled until further notice in favor of a slate of single purpose shows instead.

Never fear. If life is not all you expected, let the appropriate authorities know, and they will provide you with the required paperwork to make the necessary changes.