Dr. Tami is joined by Kristen Snowden, a licensed trauma therapist who works with addicts and their betrayed partners. Kristen shares questions for the betrayed to ask themselves when working through the process of deciding whether to stay or go. Shame, hurt and fear can accompany the choice to leave just as persistently as it can for someone who chooses to stay, and her questions can help the betrayed find clarity in the face of this life-altering decision.

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] Blame and shame accompany the choice to stay as well as the choice to leave.

[6:45] Practical considerations that face the betrayed partner who is thinking about leaving.

[10:17] Are you suffering any physical or emotional abuse by choosing to stay?

[11:50] How has staying with your partner affected your physical and mental health?

[13:45] Has your partner ever voluntarily come clean about their addiction? Are they making any effort toward their progress?

[15:50] What does your support network look like?

[18:46] What is your financial situation?

[19:45] Are there children involved in your relationship?

[20:52] Are any of your needs being met in this relationship? Are you able to stay aligned to your own values and goals?

[22:09] Have other boundaries failed to work up to this point? Would leaving help your partner realize the gravity of their actions?

[24:12] Is there a foundation of love, hope, and respect in this relationship?

[27:58] The right frame of mind to help you decide whether to stay or go.

[33:06] How can I anticipate what my partner needs as we heal together?

[38:23] Is it manipulation when my partner only says what I want to hear rather than taking real accountability for what they’ve done?

[43:01] Am I enabling my partner by choosing not to divorce him for the sake of the kids?

[49:34] My husband is inconsistent about recovery. How can we move toward healing?

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “If you find yourself stressed and overwhelmed and feeling like you need to leave, remember that more likely than not, you don’t have to make that decision today.”

• “Ask yourself, how has staying with your partner impacted your physical and mental health?”

• “You need to surround yourself with supportive people to help you move through the crisis into a state of figuring out how to move forward.”

• “Could your leaving be enough of a consequence to shake your partner awake?”

• “Your partner gets to decide whether they want recovery. They have choices.”

Dr. Rob and Tami consider the timeline many couples face when traveling the road of recovery – how and when does it make sense to connect intimately again? Too often the addicted partner is ready to move into the future without allowing appropriate time for healing from the pain and betrayal of the past. How can couples recover and reconcile together in healthy and healing ways?

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:27] I’m turned on by women that look nothing like my wife. What does this mean about my arousal template?

[4:30] Even models are made to feel like they are the wrong ‘type’. This isn’t about you, it’s about the broken person that is hurting you.

[6:51] It’s been 39 years without emotional intimacy. I need guidelines for living as married singles.

[10:20] Why now? Consider what is prompting you to make a major change now.

[17:34] Integrity issues are still a major problem. How can I enjoy intimacy again?

[22:58] Setting boundaries for healthy sexuality and better communication.

[26:45] Self-loathing and repulsion is a common side effect of acting out.

[29:12] How can I help support my spouse through my recovery?

[38:39] I’m open to reconciling, but he’s accusing me of still living in the past. Is this manipulation?

[44:35] Hurt spouses are often just looking to be heard and supported for a change.

[45:55] Why is my partner’s sex persona online nothing like his real life personality?

[50:05] What your partner is doing is not as important as the level of safety that you deserve to feel.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “We have to separate addiction from arousal. People have lots of fantasies that they don’t act on.”

• “It is challenging as a recovering partner to have your spouse not be focused on you.”

• “You are never, ever, ever, ever responsible for the behavior of the addict.”

• “I may feel entitled to have sex, but going and doing it is just acting out.”

• “You don’t get a gold star for not doing what you weren’t supposed to do in the first place.”

• “I want you to see reality clearly and without judgement.”

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss the arousal template and the meaning behind escalation in addiction. Behaviors themselves are rarely as important as the reasons why the behavior is happening in the first place. What steps does an addict need to take to stop acting out in addictive and harmful ways? How can all involved parties get the support that they need when working through trauma, and where should the intimacy focus be placed in every step of recovery?

TAKEAWAYS:

[0:25] My husband’s porn addiction has grown to include trans sex. What does this mean about his arousal template?

[4:35] What role does escalation play in porn addiction?

[9:12] Why do sex addicts have delusions, and can they be cured?

[11:56] Examples of delusional thinking and the harm it can do.

[13:48] I am the addict. What is the best way to get started with sex recovery?

[19:15] The one thing Dr. Rob knows is true in every recovery situation is that no one can do it alone.

[19:45] I’m one month into recovery - is it time for fun and safe games for reconnection with my wife?

[26:45] Consultation options with Dr. Rob for anyone who is seeking hope and validation.

[29:01] Recommendations for formal disclosure for a recovering addict should come from the therapist they are working with.

[32:40] Is a period of abstinence necessary? The simple answer is YES. Now is the time to work through trauma.

[38:10] If your spouse was an alcoholic, 30 days of sobriety would merely be the first step toward recovery. Sex addicts can abstain while focusing on healing.

[40:02] What is the difference between high libido and sex addiction?

[44:15] The top 15 activities for creating intimacy does not include sex.

[44:53] Is a straight man watching gay porn seeking trauma reenactment?

[48:51] What matters most is not what is happening but why it’s happening in the first place.

[50:15] Gay is a way of living, not just who you are attracted to.

[53:08] Understanding the why behind betrayal is not going to take away the pain, but doing the work to find peace and stability will.

RESOURCES:

Seekingintegrity.com

Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com

Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Intherooms.com

Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss

Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss

Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss

Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss

QUOTES

• “There are many things that we are curious about that we don’t act out in real life.”

• “Delusional thinking means ‘I lie to myself first, and then I lie to everyone else’.”

• “You can’t do this alone. You cannot do this alone.”

• “You do not want to have sex with someone that you don’t trust.”

• “The issues that you’re dealing with as an addict are so much bigger than sex.”