Chicken Mind Nuggets. Hosted by Wifey Chickenmindnuggets.com chickenmindnuggets@gmail.com @mindchicken References for this episode (none, these are my own experiences) Introduction music graciously provided by Music from https://filmmusic.io "Thinking Music" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com) License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) Show script: (may differ slightly from spoken word) This episode is inspired by Timber Hawkeye’s episode Neurodivergence. Timber explained how his mind works, and how he processes information and relates to the world. As I was listening to it, I realized I never shared my processes with you. I have explained some processes that I work with daily, but never how it all comes together and how I see the world. I would like to explain that to you, and maybe someone out there can relate to one, or more of what I am about to explain. As some of you know, I have narcissistic abuse syndrome. I was gaslighted, and victim-blamed by my parents and grandparents for my entire life. This has led me to doubt and question almost everything because nothing has felt stable. I still have a hard time knowing what is real. When I thought I felt a certain way, I was told that’s not how I feel. This is damaging to a kid growing up, and as an adult, I still question how I feel. I have a hard time knowing how to put my words to my feelings. Am I happy? Am I excited? Am I angry? What are the factors that constructed these feelings, and are they true? The fact that I can’t fully answer these questions has led me to know that I am feeling “happy” or “sad” or “mad” by believing that the majority of that feeling exists within me. Let me explain. If I say I am feeling happy, I may be about 80% sure that I am feeling happy. The 20% is uncertainty, doubt, a healthy caution that events could change at any minute, and a decent amount of skepticism about what happy really means. The same goes for anger, frustration, sadness, grief, or any emotion. When I look back on how I felt about different situations, my flashbacks will give me one feeling, while the analysis of the situation will give me another. I may have a shame wave where a flashback will come into play and the initial shame, guilt, and fear may be met with numbness, curiosity, and exploration. Does that make sense? I extensively process what people say. I fine-tooth comb it to hear if there is a hidden meaning. If a friend tells me about their difficult day at work, I will notice patterns in how they have talked about this before. I might hear that they have a repeated word, phrase, or situation, then analyze all the parts that encompass that. From there, I will put together a picture that my friend hates their job because of their constant discomfort in working with difficult people, or maybe they hate it because the people they work with are never respectful. My mind will go deeper by breaking apart the conversation into money, time, friendships, workload, compensation, etc. Sometimes I feel like I am working their job, and I am trying to separate each piece to make a decision if the job is worth it or not. I do this in almost every situation. Breaking down every element, until I get a reasonable percentage of each factor, then I study, analyze, and provide multiple conclusions on the situation based on my analysis. Here’s how it works. A friend asks, “Would you like to go to the Renaissance Fair?” I do the following. I think about crowds, the crowds then turn into multiple, slow-walking, disrespectful, loud, messy, wrong costume-wearing people. This then breaks down to: how long will I be able to stand walking in a crowded space? Will I run into anyone I know there? If I go to one of the shows, how long before people surround me and I feel trapped? Then we break down crowds into traffic. The traffic going there, walking through the fair, going home, and in the parking lot. There is also the food element. How long will the lines be? Can I be respectful and keep my mouth shut while waiting in line for a bottle of water when the people around me are throwing their trash on the ground? What about the people who get to the counter and don’t know what they want? Now we move on to the day itself. I will have to wake up early, which means rushing, and I am bad at that in the morning. What if I forget to lock a door? If this sounds very Sheldon Cooper-y, I don’t disagree with you. I think you get it. Some of you would call it overanalyzing, overthinking, or being too anal. Remember that I grew up not knowing what reality is, so the only thing predictable was the unpredictable, and how my parents would turn on a dime. Asking questions and getting answers is a form of comfort, of inner control of my world and feelings, and a way for me to know if the situation I am walking into is dangerous or safe. I ...
