As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to teach your teen to communicate well, and working with them to transform disrespect is a perfect opportunity.

You can be purposeful and deliberate about responding when you feel your teen has shown disrespect through words or actions. This can occur because they feel angry or hurt toward a parent, teacher, or family member. They may lash out with words when they feel powerless in an attempt to gain power. You must offer ways for your teen to gain power while expressing hurt or angry feelings in ways that demonstrate respect. Learning to respond to anger constructively requires all five social and emotional skills[1] : self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making. Your reaction to your teen can help teach them constructive, healthy ways to be understood, seek and gain power, and respond to others respectfully when angry or upset.

Seeking power is a typical human need. Everyone desires control over their lives. Yet, teens may often feel they lack control over their circumstances, leading to frustration. One essential role parents or those in a parenting role can play is to educate their teens on positive ways to seek and use power. Yet, when they are disrespectful, it can offend or hurt personally. Parents often need to deal with their upset feelings, calming down before responding so that they react in ways that take advantage of the teachable opportunity.

Some parents or those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their teens will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while also failing to teach them the appropriate behavior. Your teen’s sense of injustice and anger may increase. Most importantly, your teen will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe.

Research confirms that when teens learn to identify, understand, and experience big emotions without feeling overcome, they can better manage their behavior, problem-solve, and focus their attention.^1 Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Many parents or those in a parenting role find respect challenging. Approaching power-seeking words and actions as teachable moments that grow your teen’s skills can transform your relationship.

When your fifteen-year-old yells that she hates you when frustrated with your “No” response or your eighteen-year-old intentionally skips a family gathering when angry, these situations are opportunities to transform disrespect.

Today, in the short term, transforming disrespect into learning how to use power and channel anger in healthy ways can create

● a sense of confidence that you can help your teen regain calm and focus

● a greater understanding in you of the connection between your teen’s feelings and their behaviors

● trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your intense feelings

● a growing understanding of rules and expectations

Tomorrow, in the long term, transforming disrespect helps your teen

● build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making

● learn independence and...