You've had a tremendous loss in your personal life and your friends don't know what to say or do: Do you tell them what you need, or do you assume they should know? Here's the more important question---Do any of us know what to say and do in every situation? Probably not. And the truth is, not everybody wants the same thing when they're grieving or struggling. What worked for one friend might not work for another. What's helpful to you, might not work for your friend.

This episode is a particularly special one because it came from an expected, beautiful letter from a listener--national bestselling author, Steve Phillips. Steve wrote to me expressing his gratitude for episodes that helped him reframe his thoughts on friendship after the devastating loss of his wife of 32 years, Susan Sandler, who died of brain cancer in December 2022 after living with the disease for six years.

Steve wasn't pitching the show in that letter, but I asked him if he'd honor me by sharing his experiences with friendship. And he said yes!

Episode #50: "Overlooking Friends' Foibles" (with my mom!)

Episode #86: "Every Friendship Begins With an Act of Bravery"

Steve Phillips is a bestselling author, national political commentator and columnist with an extensive history at the forefront of the intersection of racial equity. He is a New York Times bestselling author, a columnist for The Guardian and The Nation, and an opinion contributor to The New York Times. He is also the host of “Democracy in Color with Steve Phillips,” a color-conscious podcast on politics. Together with his wife, the late Susan Sandler, Steve c0-founded the Sandler Phillips Center, which supports organizations and campaigns led by people of color, women, immigrants, and LGBTQIA plus people, and hosts the Fannie Lou Hamer Fellowships for courageous activists.

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It's the monthly friendship challenge! And it doesn't matter which month you begin. Every social wellness challenge in 2025 WILL improve your friendships because it puts you in charge of your social life. The January 2025 challenge is to see a friend in person this month. Go for a walk, meet for a meal, see Wicked. It doesn't matter what you do as long as it gets you OFF the text thread and out of the social media "like" and "heart" habit as a replacement for true connection.

We need to see our friends in person. Start the year off right with the best social wellness trick around--spend time with people you like. If you don't like your friends, I address briefly that in today's episode too.

• This is the 2025 daily notebook I bought.
• Episode #121: "Rules for Making Plans With Friends"
• Substack post: "This is How to Make Plans With Friends"
• Hallie's post: "A Like Does Not a Friendship Make"
• My instagram "Texting is Cool, BUT" post.

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Welcome to the top episode on Dear Nina in 2024—the 14-day friendship cleanse, brainchild Anna Goldfarb whose book, Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections, is a must read for anyone looking to improve their friendships. Don't feel put off by the word, "cleanse." This discussion is about reconsidering how you're approaching friendships and how you're treating your closest friends. (And that particular list shouldn't be too long.)

By the end of this episode, you will have a healthier mindset for thinking through your friendships, and you'll know why I became friends with Anna after her visit to the podcast almost two years ago when we talked about lopsided friendships.

Meet Anna Goldfarb:

Anna Goldfarb is the Philadelphia-based journalist and author of Modern Friendship: How to Nurture Our Most Valued Connections. Her work has appeared in The Atlantic, TIME, Vice, The Cut, Vox, The Washington Post, and The New York Times. Find Anna's newsletter on Substack, grab an excerpt from her book on her website, and follow Anna on Instagram.

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Why does the inner judge in our brains automatically default to negativity? We assume the worst and let our insecurities lead the way. How does this inner judge interfere with our friendships? And what can we do to create curiosity instead of negativity?

Ann Imig, creator and author of LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER, and life coach at Listen Life Coaching, is here with practical tools that will help keep the judge at bay. Ann encourages "curiosity, celebrating, and savoring" in our friendships, "showing up when you show up," and utilizing the words and mindset of "tell me more."

We also discussed the role Ann (indirectly) played in my decision to start writing about friendship in 2014!

Meet Ann Imig:

Ann is an award-winning founder and speaker with numerous national media and stage appearances. As a certified coach at Listen Life Coaching she guides young adults (and their parents) to crush their goals, fuel their joy, and boost their confidence in a bright future. In 2010 she created the storytelling series and book titled LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER. Almost 15 years later, LTYM continues Giving Motherhood A Microphone on stages across North America (70 cities and counting). Ann's motherhood story stars 2 sons, ages 17 & 20 with her husband Ben.

Ann works a lot with concepts from positiveintelligence.com. Special offer for Fans of Dear Nina: Experience the life-changing experience of coaching with Ann for free (no strings attached!). Dear Nina listeners receive a full 50-min discovery session rather than the typical half-hour consult. ListenLifeCoaching.com

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I love answering listeners' anonymous friendship dilemmas. It's a letter spotlight episode with three short anonymous letters from listeners with various friendship issues. I did my best to give practical, helpful advice.

The subjects are:

1. A listener whose friend makes little digs at her friend whenever they shop together.
2. A listener whose friend always chimes in late to the plan-making in the group text thread then wants to make changes.
3. A listener who wants to introduce her friends to each other, but is worried about getting excluded eventually.

The full text of the letters can be found here on my site. (dearninafriendship.com episode 124)

Links mentioned in the episode:

• Episode #121: "Rules for Making Plans With Your Friends"
• Newsletter with a bit more about making plans
• Ask an anonymous question

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I'm thrilled to welcome friendship experts and comedians Matt Ritter and Aaron Karo of Man of the Year podcast! In honor of these male "chief friendship officers," (their term, which I love!) I'm finally tackling the often-requested topic of platonic relationships. Matt is married and Karo is single so that provided a slightly different point of view, which was helpful.

We also discussed how often you "should be" liking your friends' social media posts, a topic younger people on TikTok yell at me about sometimes. I think it's a terrible way to measure a friendship and occasionally get on TikTok to say so, but many out there think it's an important behavior to note. Matt and Karo ended up agreeing with me for the most part, but they were easier on those with that opinion than I was.

These are completely unrelated friendship topics, but I didn't want to squander my time with this hilarious and insightful duo. We fit in a few other friendship dilemmas, too, like viewing your friends in the most favorable light, remembering your friends aren't mind readers, when hobbies with friends take too much time from your spouse, and more.

More about Matt and Aaron:

As seen in the New York Times, on NPR, and the TODAY Show, Man of the Year will help you make new friends, reconnect with old ones, and build lifelong social fitness. Each November Matt and Aaron award a gigantic Man of the Year trophy to one of their childhood friends – a tradition that has kept their crew going strong since the '80s. But the country is currently facing a friendship recession – 15% of men report having zero close friends – and they’re on a mission to change that with tips, hacks, and decades of hilarious stories. Find Man of the Year on Instagram, YouTube, and TikTok.

Links mentioned in the episode:

"Where Have All My Guy Friends Gone?" Sarah Wheeler in The Cut

The TikTok post where people yell at me for saying NOT to drop your friends who don't actively like your social media posts.

Let's connect over all things friendship!

My Substack newsletter about friendship & more

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Ask an anonymous question

Friendship breakups are an ageless, universal issue. In my 10 years of writing about friendship and receiving many anonymous letters, I've seen that it makes little difference in the grief process if there was a direct conversation with the friend, a fade out, or an abrupt ghosting. No matter the circumstances, we must take time to heal when a friend is no longer in our lives.

Today's episode is a revisit of my conversation with Diamonde Williamson, who found a way to make art from a painful friendship breakup and help others face their feelings of grief, loss, rejection, and loneliness.

Learn more about Diamonde's documentary, Best Friends Not Forever. And you must see her visual art on Instagram at @therealdiamonde.

• The episode with one of my best friends about the years we stopped being friends and how we reconnected: "Reconnecting with an ex-friend."
• Recent anonymous question in my newsletter, "The Friends Who Rejected Us: Thank you"

Diamonde Williamson is the Founder and CEO of Third and Wonder Production House, the go-to media and production company for Black women and Black culture, specializing in branded, documentary, and unscripted formats. She’s created hundreds of videos for notable clientele like: The Oprah Winfrey Network, Google, Warner Bros., Essence, and more. Learn more about her original documentary, Best Friends Not Forever, and her highly praised podcast Meet Me in the Deep. Her continued goal is to build community and produce entertaining, empowering and relatable art for Black women. You can also find Diamonde on Instagram @therealdiamonde.

• My Substack newsletter about friendship & more
• A guide to pitching yourself as a guest
• Instagram , TikTok, Twitter, Youtube, Threads
• JOIN the Dear Nina Facebook group
• Ask an anonymous question

Are there rules for making plans with friends? Who should be the one to suggest the day, time, and place? If you reach out for plans, should you also throw out some dates that might work? OR, do you wait for the other person to "prove" their interest by offering some dates on the calendar?

The short answer: there are no rules.

The longer answer (only 16 minutes), is this week's episode-- "Rules for Making Plans With Friends." It's the newest letter spotlight episode, which gave me the chance to answer two anonymous friendship dilemmas and talk about a long-held pet peeve of mine when making plans.

I hope this episode helps you schedule time with friends!

• Previous letter spotlight episode: "Friendships Between Sisters-in-Law"
• Previous letter spotlight episode: "Friends Who Never Ask About You"
• Episode 120 with Emma Nadler: "6 Ways to Be a More Generous Friend"
• The Joy of Connections by Ruth Westheimer and Allison Gilbert
• Episode 116 with Allison Gilbert: "Lose Track of Who Makes the Plans and 7 Other Friendship Tips From Dr. Ruth"

• My Substack newsletter about friendship & more
• A guide to pitching yourself as a guest
• Instagram , TikTok, Twitter, Youtube, Threads
• JOIN the Dear Nina Facebook group
• Ask an anonymous question