In this laugh-out-loud episode of Crime Bistro, we dive into the ridiculous world of not-so-brilliant criminals who prove that crime doesn’t pay—especially when you’re terrible at it. From failed getaways to hilariously dumb missteps, these stories will have you shaking your head and wondering, “What were they thinking?” Sometimes, you need to take a dive into the lighter side of true crime, and this episode is the perfect reprieve from the heavier cases as we head into the holiday season.

On Thanksgiving Day of 2012, Bryon David Smith, a retired security-engineering officer with the US State Department, walked solemnly and silently into his basement, sat down with a rifle, and waited. The house was dark, and he had taking the extra step of hiding his truck so that it appeared he wasn’t home. His home had been burglarized several times in the past few months, and Byron had enough. It was time to take matters into his own hands. As he sat there, two teenagers, aged 17 and 18, started to circle the property, making sure that no one was there before then broke in, while Smith lay in wait. Chaos ensued – glass shattering, screaming, and then…gunshots. Byron Smith had shot and killed both of the teens, and then, after all had gone quiet, he was heard saying “I refuse to live in fear. I am not a bleeding-heart liberal. I felt like I was cleaning up a mess…I was doing my civic duty…I don’t see them as human. I see them as vermin.”

In 2011, a woman named Ellen Greenberg from Philadelphia was found dead at only 27 years old from more than 20 stab wounds. Now, it may seem as if this case would have immediately been considered to be a horrific homicide, and that her manner of death would have instantly been determined as such. Except, it wasn’t. Ellen’s grisly murder was considered to be a suicide by the investigators, a determination that shocked and devastated her parents, who have done incredible work fighting for justice for their daughter. It was only recently, after Ellen’s parents have fought relentlessly to get their daughter’s case re-opened, that they have gotten the opportunity to fight to change her official manner of death in courts. So, investigators need to find out the truth after over 12 years about what had really happened to Ellen Greenberg. Who killed her, and why?

Justice For Ellen Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JusticeForEllen2019/

Mary Day was only 13 years old in 1981 when she disappeared from her family home in Seaside, California, but her case is one of the longest enduring, and strange missing persons cases that I’ve covered on this podcast. Not because the case went cold, but because, until 2002, it wasn’t a case at all. Former Seaside Police Chief Steve Cercone told 48 Hours, “I can’t remember a time when a child was not reported by the parents,” and yet, that’s exactly what happened to little Mary. She disappeared, and was never reported missing until her sister came forward years later to get police on the case. Which meant that without Mary’s sister’s intervention, her existence could have just been completely erased. Now, of course, suspicions turned immediately to Mary’s parents, suspecting that she had met a horrific end in 1981, but did she? Because in 2003, Mary Day came forward to reclaim her identity. But did she? What actually happened here?

The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls, a horrifying quote from the master of the macabre himself, Edgar Allan Poe. His life and tragic death have permeated the world of literature for the past two centuries, and the mystery of it all has fascinated those who like to satisfy their morbid curiosities for just as long. In 1849, Edgar Allan Poe disappeared, without a trace, for six whole days, and when he reappeared, he was in an alarming state of delirium for another few days before passing away in a Baltimore hospital. The circumstances, official cause, and official manner of Poe’s death remain elusive to this day, leaving us all with the question of what in the world could have happened to him.

This is one of the most terrifying and miraculous survival stories of all time. Victoria Cilliers, a loving mother of two and advance free falling skydiving instructor, SURVIVED a 3,000 foot plummet from an airplane after her own husband tampered with her parachute. And, this wasn't even his first attempt at killing the mother of his own children. This is a harrowing story of an abusive relationship, and a narcissistic man who thought that he was too smart to get caught, but whose manipulation and disgusting behavior would eventually catch up to him. If you or anyone you know recognize the signs of abusive relationships that are described in this episode, please reach out to one of the numbers below for help:

US Hotline Number: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

UK Hotline Number: 0808 2000 247

Most horror movies begin with a black screen reading "Based on a True Story," and while many of them are, it isn't often that the story behind the plot is more horrifying than the film itself. This, however, is one of those cases. The movie 'The Strangers' is a nightmare-inducing project that follows a young couple as they fight for their lives in a remote home, stalked by masked murderers who make every moment bone-chillingly terrifying. It's inspiration, the Keddie Cabin murders, is a story that is somehow even more horrifying, just as scary as it is tragic. On April 11th of 1981, a mother and her three children were viciously attacked in their home in the Keddie Resort in California. Three of them would be found murdered, while one of the children would remain a missing person until years after that horrific night. The identity of their killer remains a mystery to this day.

The murder of Jill Dando is one of the U.K's most infamous unsolved cases to date, and it truly shocked the entire nation when the beloved TV presenter was murdered in broad daylight. A neighbor found Jill's body on the doorstep of her own home in London, and she was killed by a single gunshot wound to the head. There was almost no evidence, no witnesses, no clear motive, and no leads, and even to this day, the lack of answers in Jill's case is astounding. She was TV's Princess Diana, so widely adored and looked up to, and her death was not only brutal, but tragic, and her loss was mourned by so many across the country and the world. Today, all we can really do is theorize on what might have happened to her, and take her incredible life and accomplishments as inspiration, because she truly was one-of-a-kind.