Trust is truly foundational for healthy relationships. As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a vital role in your fourteen-year-old’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship and understand how to promote trust in your child/teen.

Lying represents an important milestone in your child’s/teen’s thinking as they learn that others have different beliefs and perspectives than their own. Experimenting with lying is a normal part of child development. Children/Teens can begin to lie and understand deception as early as preschool to cover up actions that they know are against the rules. A complete understanding of lying and its consequences continues to develop throughout childhood and adolescence as part of their cognitive and moral development.

Children/Teens ages eleven to fourteen are in the process of understanding and making predictions about others’ thoughts and feelings. As they do, they also may seek to hide the truth, particularly if they fear harsh judgment from respected adults or peers. They are also testing boundaries and taking more risks socially and academically. Their risk-taking can often lead to mistakes, misbehaviors, or even failure.

Often, lies relate to challenges with impulse control. For example, an eleven-year-old might think, “I wish I had more friends and was popular. If I tell those kids I have the most expensive gaming system, they may think I’m cool and invite me to hang out with them.” Though younger children cannot distinguish between the subtleties of deception, those eleven and older can understand the differences between honest mistakes, guesses, exaggerations, sarcasm, and irony.

The key to many parenting challenges, like raising children/teens who grow in their understanding of the value of truth-telling, is finding ways to communicate so that both your and your child’s/teen’s needs are met. The steps below will prepare you to help your child/teen learn more about your family values, how they relate to lying, and how you can grow and deepen your trusting relationship.

Whether it’s your eleven-year-old lying about eating the lunch you packed them for school, your twelve-year-old lying about failing a test, or your fourteen-year-old telling you a friend’s parents are home supervising them when they aren’t, your child’s/teen’s ability to tell the truth can become a regular challenge if you don’t create plans and strategies.

Today, in the short term, honesty can create

● greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment

● trust in each other

● a sense of well-being for a parent and teen

● added daily peace of mind

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

● builds skills in self-awareness

● builds skills in social awareness, perspective-taking, empathy, and compassion

● builds skills in self-control

● develops moral and consequential thinking and decision-making

This five-step process helps you teach your child/teen about honesty. It also builds essential skills in your child/teen. The same process can also be used to address other parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication[2] and a healthy parenting relationship

Fourteen-year-olds require the ability to follow directions to get along at home and to succeed at school. Whether they are completing chores, following safety instructions, completing assignments, or showing their knowledge on tests, they will need to be able to follow directions. Though telling your teen to do something may seem simple, listening and engaging in several steps in instruction necessitates numerous brain functions in addition to motivational factors.

Children/teens ages eleven to fourteen are working on understanding what it means to act responsibly. They are working to understand the rules and apply them in various settings. They are working on their independence. They are increasingly caring for their bodies (eating right, getting exercise). They are learning about relationships (managing their feelings and impulses, empathizing and working through conflict, being dependable, and keeping promises). They meet school requirements (manage homework and extracurriculars) and contribute to the household in which they live (do chores and cooperate with rules and expectations).

They are also working to define their identity. As they develop, as part of their growing self-awareness and self-management, they will test boundaries, forget things, and break rules. When they do, they require guidance on approaching a hurt relationship, revisiting missed obligations, and repairing harm. This is a normal part of their development and necessary for learning how to take responsibility.

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you can be deliberate in offering instructions to help your child/teen follow directions. Understanding multiple-step directions engages their short-term and complex working memory, an executive function that requires practice and development over time. In the case of short-term memory, you might ask your child/teen, “Would you complete your homework before dinner, get your shower done after dinner, and be in bed by nine, please?” They need to remember those three items as they move on to their homework. In an academic setting, as another example, a teacher may say, “At the end of our class, I’ll give you time to take out your pencils, read the directions at the top of the page, and fill in only questions 3. and 5.” Students have to retain that information as the teacher moves on to other topics and also plan for what they will need to do when they come to the time when they have to implement the teacher’s instructions. This expectation utilizes complex working memory and can be challenging for students.^1^

Following directions can involve all five core social and emotional competencies[1] . Children/teens may need to know their strengths and limitations (self-awareness) to complete the tasks given. They must use their self-management skills to wait and focus on what’s been instructed when necessary. They may require social awareness or empathy as they work to understand the needs, feelings, and thoughts of the one giving them directions. They will use their relationship skills by listening actively to what’s required. They will also use their responsible decision-making skills to decide whether and how to follow through with a request or instruction.

Some parents and those in a parenting role may feel frustrated and even angry when their children/teens do not follow their directions as they requested. A parent may perceive that a child/teen who is not following their directions is being defiant or disrespectful, when in reality, there may be another reason for the behavior. There are several factors to consider when a child/teen does not follow a direction. When faced with this situation, a parent may ask themselves:

- Does the child/teen have the capacity and skills to follow the...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, your influence is vital in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-teen relationship while instilling confidence in your teen to persist toward their goals and succeed in all areas of life. Everyone faces challenges, yet mistakes and failures are necessary for your fourteen-year-old’s learning and development. With your guidance and support, mistakes become a tool for learning and growing confidence.

The key to any parenting issue is finding ways to communicate to meet your and your child’s/teen’s needs. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to prepare you as you address any issue with your child/teen.

As you address any issues, you build the foundation for your child’s/teen’s development.

Your focus on cultivating a safe, trusting relationship and promoting life skills can create:

● greater opportunities for connection, cooperation, and enjoyment

● trust in each other

● a sense of well-being and motivation

Engaging in these five steps is an investment that builds your skills as an effective parent or someone in a parenting role to use on any issues and builds essential skills that will last a lifetime for your child/teen. Throughout this tool, there are opportunities for children/teens to:

● become more self-aware and deepen their social awareness

● exercise their self-management skills

● build their relationship skills

● demonstrate and practice responsible decision-making and problem-solving

This five-step process helps you and your child/teen with any issue. It builds critical life skills in your child/teen. The same process can be used to address other specific parenting issues (learn more about the process[1] ).

Whether it’s your eleven-year-old confiding in you that they don’t feel ready for fifth grade, your twelve-year-old crying that they have no real friends, or your fourteen-year-old hiding homework to avoid facing it, these steps and associated questions can help you support your child.

Tip: These steps are best done when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication[2] and healthy parenting relationships[3] will support these steps.

Based on your child’s/teen’s development milestones, you will want to focus on the following as you move through the five steps:

● Your youth’s sense of belonging or desire to “fit in.”

● How your youth experiences “self-talk” and how to reframe negative self-talk.

● Normalizing experiences: youth at this age tend to believe they are the “only ones” experiencing specific challenges.

● Your youth’s transition to the middle school environment, new academic practices, and relationships with friends, peers, and teachers.

Getting your child’s/teen’s input will help you better understand their thoughts, feelings[4] , and challenges related to their feelings when confronting challenges. When your child/teen provides...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship, and growing reading skills is a great way to do it.

Reading is essential for your child’s/teen’s success in school. Reading also plays a critical role in your child’s/teen’s

● social and emotional development[1]

● language development

● executive functions like working memory and self-control ^1

● connection to you

● empathy and understanding of others

● imagination (ability to “see” the story) ^2

● ability to choose healthy behaviors (preventing high-risk behaviors and unhealthy choices)

Researchers have found that social, emotional, and cognitive development cannot be separated. They directly and indirectly impact one another.^3^ Children/Teens exercise their responsible decision-making skills and moral development as they reflect on their favorite character’s choices and the outcomes.

Children/teens ages eleven to fourteen are in the process of learning how to read larger, more complicated texts and extracting meaning from them. Children/teens ages thirteen to fourteen are required in school to begin thinking abstractly about their reading and deciphering metaphors, symbols, and cultural themes. All children/teens can establish critical learning habits through reading that will extend throughout their school years. Reading is learned best snuggled up next to parents, grandparents, and other loved ones. The single most important activity for building skills essential for reading success is reading aloud to children. ^4

Parents tend to stop reading aloud as children/teens get older and become more competent readers. However, even high school students (and adults) benefit from collaborative reading or reading aloud. In reading together, you deepen your caring connection (relationship skills). You and your child/teen gain insight into the characters’ inner lives - thoughts and feelings - in a way that no other source can allow you access (social awareness). And, with that exploration of others’ experiences, you learn more about who you are (self-awareness) and what you value (responsible decision-making).

Yet, anyone can face challenges when it comes to establishing a daily reading routine. Families today are busier than ever, with more demands on their time.

Children/teens are highly entertained and stimulated by technology. It may take more encouragement than past generations to start reading. But once you get into a routine and make it a joyful experience, it can enrich your family life and deepen your intimacy while promoting valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support family reading cooperatively.

Becoming intentional about a daily reading routine, looking for ways to incorporate reading into family time spent together, and considering the quality of the experience of reading together can all contribute to a child’s/teen’s development.

Today, in the short term, reading can create

● greater opportunities for connection and enjoyment

● opportunity for dialogue and reflection

● a direct and simple way to influence your child’s/teen’s positive development

Tomorrow, in the long term, reading helps your...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship, and setting up a homework routine provides a terrific opportunity.

Children/Teens ages 11-14 are in the process of adapting early school-age learning habits to their more demanding workload. They are establishing critical learning habits that will extend throughout their school years, including how they approach homework assignments. For most children/teens, homework is a nightly reality. Research shows that a parent or someone in a parenting role plays a key role. Children/Teens with a parent or someone in a parenting role supporting learning at home and engaged in their school community have more consistent school attendance, better social skills, and higher grade point averages and test scores than those children/teens without such involvement.^1^ Indeed, parental involvement best predicts students’ academic achievement.

Yet, there are challenges. You may discover outdated and uncompleted assignments crumpled in your child’s/teen’s backpack. Your child/teen may procrastinate on a long-term project until it becomes a crisis the night before it’s due. Questioning their work may result in arguments when they have other goals.

While getting a regular homework routine going might be challenging, it can be a positive experience and promote valuable skills for school and life success. The steps below include specific, practical strategies and effective conversation starters to support a homework routine cooperatively without a daily battle.

Children/Teens ages eleven to fourteen will require managing a larger and more complex workload and need new study skills. This will take a whole new level of planning and organization. Their homework assignments can become a daily challenge if you don’t create regular routines with input from your children/teens in advance, clarify roles and responsibilities, and establish a plan for success.

Today, in the short term, homework routines can create

● greater cooperation and motivation

● more significant opportunities for connection and enjoyment as you each implement your respective roles and feel set up for success

● trust in each other that you have the competence to complete your responsibilities with practice and care

● less frustration due to better organization, space, and resources

● opportunities to learn about your child’s/teen’s school curriculum

Tomorrow, in the long term, your child/teen

● builds skills in collaboration and cooperative goal-setting

● builds skills in responsible decision-making, hard work, and persistence

● gains independence, life skills competence, and self-sufficiency

● develops positive learning habits that contribute directly to school success

This five-step process helps your family establish a homework routine and builds essential skills in your child/teen. The same process can also address other parenting issues (learn more about the process)[1] .

Tip: These steps are best when you and your child/teen are not tired or in a rush.

Tip: Intentional communication[2] and a healthy parenting relationship[3] support these...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a crucial role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child relationship. Teaching your child/teen to repair harm is a terrific opportunity.

Your support in growing the skill of repairing harm can help your child/teen develop social awareness -- “the ability to understand the perspectives of and empathize with others, including those from diverse backgrounds, cultures, and contexts.”^1 They’ll develop relationship skills as they learn how to mend hurt feelings in friendships or with coaches, teachers, and caregivers. They’ll also exercise responsible decision making, or “the ability to make caring and constructive choices about personal behavior and social interactions across diverse situations,” learning that their choices cause a reaction or outcome which can harm others or themselves.”^1 These skills grow your child’s/teen’s sense of responsibility, while improving your relationship.

Some parents and those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child/teen will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child/teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your child/teen will likely miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe.

Punishment often leads to more poor choices. A vicious cycle begins in which a child/teen feels bad about themselves and repeats the behaviors that are expected of a “bad child.” Parents and those in a parenting role need to learn to actively support their child/teen in repairing harm to interrupt this cycle.

Children/teens ages 11-14 will naturally make mistakes, test limits, and break rules. And when they do, they only consider their impulses and desires and not how they might impact you or others. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for decision making and reasoning, fully develops once your child/teen is in their mid-twenties, so it is natural for children/teens to forget to pause before acting. Children/Teens require support and follow-through from parents and those in a parenting role to make things better. They need to understand that they always have another chance to repair harm. This skill is developed over time and requires a lot of practice.

Research confirms that children/teens are developing higher-order thinking skills like consequential thinking and linking cause to effect.^2 This directly impacts their school success and ability to take responsibility for their actions as they grow. Children/Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Guidance on repairing harm can be challenging for many parents and those in a parenting role.^3 Instead of a quick, reflexive response like yelling, scolding, or punishing, repairing harm takes time, follow-through, and thoughtful consideration. Yet, it can become the most powerful teaching opportunity for your child/teen as they learn to take responsibility for their actions and understand how their choices impact others. As you utilize these teachable moments, your relationship with your child/teen will be enriched. The steps below include specific, practical strategies along with effective conversation starters.

When your eleven-year-old hides a failed test, your thirteen-year-old lies about going to a friend’s house without parental supervision, or your fourteen-year-old verbally fights with a neighbor, these situations are opportunities to provide guidance for repairing harm.

Today, in the short term, guidance for repairing harm can create

● a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen heal hurt...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play an essential role in your child’s//teen’s success. There are intentional ways to teach your child/teen to communicate well; working with them to transform disrespect is an excellent opportunity.

You can be purposeful and deliberate about how you respond when you feel your child/teen has shown disrespect through words or actions. Your child/teen may lash out with words when they feel powerless in an attempt to gain power. You must offer ways for your child/teen to gain power while expressing hurt or angry feelings in ways that demonstrate respect. Learning to respond to anger constructively requires all five social and emotional skills[1] : self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making. Your reaction to your child/teen can help teach them constructive, healthy ways to be understood, seek and gain power, and respond to others respectfully when angry or upset.

Seeking power is a typical human need. Everyone desires control over their lives. Yet, children/teens may often feel they lack control over their circumstances, leading to frustration. One essential role parents or those in a parenting role can play is to educate their child/teen on positive ways to seek and use power. Parents or those in a parenting role often need to deal with their upset feelings, calming down before responding so that they react in ways that take advantage of the teachable opportunity.

Some parents or those in a parenting role feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child/teen will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate. When a child/teen is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you while also failing to teach them the appropriate behavior. Your child’s/teen’s sense of injustice and anger may increase. Most importantly, your child/teen is likely to miss the lesson you want to emphasize and feel unsafe.

Research confirms that when children/teens learn to identify, understand, and experience big emotions without feeling overcome, they can better manage their behavior, problem-solve, and focus their attention.^1 This directly impacts their school success and ability to follow the rules. Children/Teens need the guidance and support of caring adults to learn these skills.

Many parents or those in a parenting role find respect challenging. Approaching challenging, power-seeking words and actions as teachable moments that grow your child’s/teen’s skills can transform your relationship.

When your eleven-year-old yells that she hates you when frustrated with your “No” response or your thirteen-year-old intentionally creates a mess when angry, these situations are opportunities to transform disrespect.

Today, in the short term, transforming disrespect into learning how to use power and channel anger in healthy ways can create

● a sense of confidence that you can help your child/teen regain calm and focus

● a greater understanding in you of the connection between your child’s/teen’s feelings and their behaviors

● trust in each other that you have the competence to manage your intense feelings

● a growing understanding of rules and expectations

Tomorrow, in the long term, transforming disrespect helps your child/teen

● build skills in self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationships, and responsible decision making

● learn independence and...

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, you play a crucial role in your child’s/teen’s success. There are intentional ways to grow a healthy parent-child/teen relationship and ensure that your child/teen develops a healthy relationship with technology.

Technology use has become essential to your child’s/teen’s life and learning in school. It has the potential to play a role in:

● social and emotional development[1]

● language development

● academic learning

● connection to friends, family, and others

● empathy and understanding of others

● imagination

● ability to choose healthy behaviors (preventing high-risk behaviors and unhealthy choices)

Children/teens ages 11-14 are at the very beginning of their teen years and experiencing dramatic shifts with their bodies and emotions, entering puberty full force by age 11. Additionally, they’ll experiment with and learn social skills through forging and prioritizing friendships and peer opinions. They will create more independent relationships with teachers, coaches, and you while beginning or deepening their involvement in extracurricular activities like sports, music, or others.

Yet, technology can pose challenges. Most parents say parenting is more challenging than twenty years ago, and most point to technology as the primary reason.^1 71% of parents with children under 12 said they worry that their children spend too much time on screens. The same number of parents said they fear smartphones could harm their children/teens. Let’s take a deeper look at the screen time habits of this age group:^2

- 11-12-year-olds are on screens an average of five and a half hours per day, and 13-14-year-olds are on screens an average of eight and a half hours per day. Most of this screen time is spent on online video viewing accounts (with a smaller amount viewing YouTube);*

- Boys tend to be on screens longer than girls. ^2

- 38% of 11 and 12-year-olds are on social media.

Children and teens are highly stimulated by technology, and this is often where they connect with friends, so it can become a source of conflict when they need to disconnect and can take away time from family being together and growing intimate connections. Indeed, addiction can be a real threat as those jolts of happy hormones (dopamine) are fueled; infinite scrolling is the norm on social media, and games are programmed to keep them perpetually engaged. Daily, devices can take time away from other critical pursuits for their physical, social, emotional, and cognitive development, such as reading, playing outdoors, unstructured creative time, friend time, homework, and more. The kinds of content that a child/teen can view or stumble into online can range from mildly irritating to disturbing and dangerous, whether it involves repeated consumer messages, cartoon violence, graphic violence, or even pornography. Additionally, children and teens can encounter social aggression and bullying online and through social media, which can hurt uniquely since they can be more publicly exposed than most in-person incidents.

We know that growing a healthy relationship with technology requires regular conversations and a commitment from the whole family to become intentional about their use of technology, including appropriate boundaries and safety practices. Approach this topic with empathy and recognize that the devices and apps are designed to make the...