In chapter three, we find Alan preparing to meet a lucky lady, and he’s part way through his pre-date grooming regime. And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with this. If women can take on leadership roles, men can surely spend a bit more time in boots.
Alan relives the chilling moment he realised he was too old to play Bond. Albeit he still walks like a panther on his landing under the advice of George Lasenby, and his sleek black ensemble is reminiscent of the Milk Tray man.
Alan’s date has been organised by an elite dating agency, Echelon, whose services are only provided for high-earners and upwardly mobile individuals. The previous woman they introduced to Alan was very, very nice, and they were together for a year. However, it inevitably ended, because it was sexless.
With his upcoming date, Alan shares his conversational tips for romantic meetups, which include musings on Genghis Khan, Oliver Cromwell and Stevie Wonder. He also reveals his preferred fragrance, a strong and powerful concoction of his own making, which he calls, “Robust”. It hits the nostrils with the rich scents of leather, musk and spice. Mmmm.
