In chapter two, we discover Alan’s love of the countryside as he rambles - not talking aimlessly like Lorraine Kelly - but walking in the great outdoors. In doing so, he expresses his revulsion for non-local, middle-aged cyclists, who descend on his beloved Norfolk inexplicably clad in lycra.
Alan bemoans that children no longer play in the countryside, instead choosing video games or porn. And while this may result in fewer falling down gravel pits, they are clearly missing out. Why? Because trees are Alan’s porn. Quite right, too.
As we continue on Alan’s ramble, he shares film ideas involving Liam Neeson and Bruce Willis, before stopping to moo at a field of Friesian cows in an attempt to instigate a call and response. After regaling some lucky passersby with a poem, Alan treks on, eventually reaching a house he presumes to be empty.
Following Alan’s excellent detective work/noseying around, he gathers that the occupier is clearly a slighted, divorced man. This is vindicated when he meets the homeowner who confirms that he is, in fact, divorced. Needless to say, Alan has the last laugh and Lynn comes to collect him because he’s simply had enough of nature.